God's Path or Mine

After talking to my mother-in-law about Doodle's visit to the state house, she wanted me to know someone from the state house law office wanted to talk to me. At first, I was a bit worried, then she said the name and instantly, I had a smile. It was the mom of a student I had years ago. You must know I have been home since the summer we brought our baby girl, Doodle, home. Having that mom ask about me and knowing we are going to meet next week to catch up, well, I must say that my mind is twirling. You see, at the time I was involved with this particular family, the journey I was on personally was a very dark time emotionally. Matt and I had been married for years and no pregnancy. We were dealing with infertility....ah, the lovely the word the medical field gives to barrenness. That is what the Bible calls it...barren. Isn't that a sad word? I can not tell you what knowing that was my problem did to my heart. I was surrounded by friends and family who constantly were expecting or talking about people who were. Then there were the family members who rudely asked us when we were going to have a child. I know they didn't know but their questions cut deep. Oddly, when they stopped asking, it hurt worse! Go figure!

Anyway, during this time, I was also struggling to find a job as a new teacher out of college. I was so passionate about teaching. I loved kids and wanted to engage them in whatever we were studying. I had lots of ideas and could not wait to get into my own classroom. However, just like the infertility, God's plan was different than mine. Instead of giving me my own class, which is so what I thought I wanted and needed, He gave me what He KNEW I needed. I was hired to be an instructional assistant for special needs students who were going to be a part of this school's inclusion program. That meant, I would be in another teacher's room, but my role was to help the "labeled" students meet the class load or to teach similar things to their level. Basically, my job was to help the students feel as much a part of the classroom as possible and iron out the bumps. Where needed, I was to give instruction at their level and try to make up any deficits. I was scared to death when I got hired!!! Can I do this? What happens if I mess up? I had no training in special education beyond the two classes we took for my degree. Will that be enough?

That first year, I had three students I was "in charge" of in that room: Chris M., Chris D., and Christina. See a pattern? Seriously though, one of the children had Down Syndrome and truly fit in more socially but struggled academically. Inclusion helped him shine with his buddies. The other just needed a bit more time in learning concepts and truly did not appear to need the label given. The last one had developmental delays due to radiation treatment when he was three. He had brain cancer at age three and struggled to "catch up" to his twin brother after that. His brother was a genius! Truly! So the parents goal was never that he catch up to his brother, but that he would be"normal" one day. My heart melted with these three. God knew I needed to see the world through their eyes. You see, there is a reason these children were in my life at this time. "Special Needs" is a title that I struggle with because truly, I was the one with special needs and they met them. As I would sit and help one of the boys with their reading, he would sit and look at me. He appeared to be looking through me! Sometimes, it would creep me out! But I would ask:"Chris, are you ok?"
His reply was precious to me,"Shh! Mrs. Miller (with a slight slurring of the l's to sound more like Mrs. Miwwer) You have angels all around your head. Shhh! We don't want them to go away!"
Ummm, what?
You know what, those moments made me feel uncomfortable at first but after hearing him say that from time to time, it was so precious. Looking back now, it was a true gift from God. He also was able to see the joy in all things. This child memorized full movies from Disney and loved everything Disney! He would tell me a story and light up. We giggled our way through his lessons often. And he loved to hold my hand and play with my fingernails, which were always long and painted at that time! Those hugs, smiles and constant show of spiritual protection was what I needed at that time. God knew that and I did not.

The following year, God placed me with this one child again. I was his personal instructional assistant with a teacher who I loved working with. His growth that year was amazing! But mine was greater. That was the year we were having infertility treatments galore while we found out about each of our siblings expecting their first child. They were all due within 6 months of each other and that just about did me in. I knew it was selfish yet the pain could not be masked. But the joy of my job allowed me to see God at work. This child was the joy and light I needed at that time. God knew how He was going to bring our family together, but I did not at that time. I did know that what I was facing was not as hard as what the special needs kids had to face every day. My eyes were opened and my heart had room to let this child's love pour in. Boy did it! This little guy filled that void for me at that time.

After we adopted Doodle, I took her to meet this precious family. Seeing my answer to prayer in my student's arms was precious. He was so excited and could not wait to teach her about Lion King! Sadly, time has gotten away and we lost touch. However, next week we will catch up and I will get the chance to thank them in person for the gift they gave me during that time. I am so grateful for God's hand on my life and leading me in ways I did not understand at the time. I am also grateful that He never stops doing that. So if you are not where you think you should be in your life, don't fret. God has you there for a reason. Soak up the moment He has for you and know something better is around the corner. I would not go back and change one day I spent soaking up God's love through this precious child.