Missing a Buddy

Last night, I was given a sweet little letter by Bean at bedtime. I opened it preparing to have some stalling tactic as she does not like having to go to bed lately. She has struggled with staying asleep through the night and even getting to sleep. We keep talking to her but until last night, we did not know what the problem was and truly at this point were getting a bit frustrated at being awakened in the middle of the night by a 9 year old. You kind of expect it when they are 9 months but not 9 years.

The note said (written in crayon which added sweetness in my book):
Dear Mommy,
I am missing Gaga Rachel. Can you help me
get through this please?
Love,
Bean


Then there was a second page with a large picture she drew of Gaga Rachel and a note:
Gaga Rachel, I love you!

Gaga Rachel

Ok, I don't know about you, but my heart sank. I feel so badly that I did not put two and two together before this note. Bean is getting ready to sing in a church kid's musical. She has so much fun doing that however the last time she did, we got a call from Grandma while eating ice cream. That call was that Gaga Rachel heart had stopped and the EMT's were trying to revive her. We left the girls with my parents and Matt and I darted to the assisted living facility where she lived but it was too late. Graciously, my parents brought the girls over as we wanted them to have a chance to say good byes there if they wanted to. Doodle did not, but Bean did. She went in with me to see her buddy and she stayed close by the rest of the time really. Then at age 8, that little girl wrote a little something and read it in front of the crowd at the funeral. We were so proud but also so shocked as she is our shy child. She is the one we have to practice what to say if we see people we know when we go places so she will not just hide behind my back.

Gaga Rachel with her "Little Brown Bear"

Why would this little girl do that? Because Gaga Rachel and Bean had always had such a sweet bond that doesn't really go with explanation. It just was what it was. That does not mean Gaga Rachel was not precious to all of us and that Doodle is not missing her as well, because that would not be true. I just think that with this musical, all of that stuff has surfaced and she does not know how to process it. On top of that, I think she truly realizes that she is not coming back. This is Bean's first time to deal with death at an age she can truly understand. It never gets easier to say good bye no matter how old you are but we keep pointing her to where Gaga Rachel is now. We also have encouraged her to remember all the fun times or silly things she did with GagaRachel so she will smile through the tears. Focus on the good stuff and let the rest take its course. So, it is with tears running down my cheek that I write this post today and must say to you, Gaga Rachel, thank you for loving my girls so well that they miss you so much. The memories they have spent with you will last a lifetime. We love you and miss you, sweet Gaga Rachel.

Doodle with Gaga Rachel at the lake house. Sweet memories.