Sad Hearts!

Wow! What a night we had last night! This past month has been very emotional for me and I did not realize just how much that pours over to my kids. I keep thinking that I am hiding it well but then you find out you have not. So needless to say, it was brought to my attention that the girls were afraid to tell me how much they missed my Gram because they didn't want to make me sad. They have been struggling with their own sadness and didn't know how to work it out. That broke my heart! Naturally when we stuff our emotions down we end up lashing out at the ones we love most. Sadly that is what has been happening in our home.

Once I was able to get out of them what was going on it amazed me to see their little hearts. I knew that I was having a tough time recently with transitioning back into the land of the living since my gram's passing but I did not realize how deeply they adored this woman. I should not have been shocked. We all went to visit her 2-3 times a week, took her to doctor's appointments , took her to Bible Study Fellowship with us, did her laundry every other week or so, took her to Wal-Mart and occasionally to the library when she first came here. She joined us for every birthday party, holiday or family get together as well as dance recitals and church activities when she could. This precious woman was a part of their daily lives in a way most children don't get to experience from grandparents let alone a great-grandma. So, as we sat there sharing memories and heart felt sadness over her not being here but joy in where she is now, I couldn't help but think how blessed Gram must be right now. If she could see what an impact she has made on these two precious hearts should bless her tremendously. I still miss her terribly. I just feel sad a lot. I didn't realize just how much I went to her with what was happening in my life and how much talking things out with her helped me be able to function with peace throughout my week. I miss that time with her and the wisdom she would depart when asked. Today I am so happy to be sitting her typing this while wearing her ring that my mom gave me yesterday. It's silly really. What does wearing that ring do for me ? Nothing! It just sits there but it is a reminder of her words, support and unending love for me. That reminds me of God's love for me. When I am in nature I have the same feeling I do as I glance at this ring..peaceful. It just helps jog my memory that God loves me. I think it will take some more time to heal the sad hearts but I know we will all shine for Jesus as we work through this loss. We are finding ways to get plugged back in to service at church as well as with a co-op. I feel that will help ease the pain of her loss....getting back into serving someone else and less time to think!! I am blessed to have two precious girls who love me enough to try to protect my feelings but truly I pray they know that is not what I ever want. I appreciate even more the fact that they shared their hearts with me and we had such a precious time of joy and tears last night. Thanks Gram, for loving me well and even more for sharing that with my kids! I pray that I will do the same.