Momma's Journey

This is becoming my journal to good health physically, emotionally and spiritually. I have been on a wild journey the past year and a half and I have to say that I have learned so much about myself, my family, my friends,  faith and my sweet Jesus. I will start at what I consider the beginning: Alaska cruise 2013. Here we are at the Musher Camp overlook. It was a great day, but I was so tired it was very difficult to enjoy a lot of what we did. 

We had moved from our home of 13 years the month prior to leaving, two weeks to be exact. I was finishing schooling the girls, driving them to activities and managing the home as usual as well as painting the rooms and emptying boxes so we could be moved in prior to this cruise we had planned. But I was also finding myself to be more and more exhausted over simple tasks, forgetful and as always, wacky female issues. This woman in this picture was tired...physically, emotionally, and spiritually. When I look at this picture, I feel sad. That is such a fake smile. I know what this woman is feeling, thinking, hiding behind those glasses so as not to alarm anyone how exhausted she truly is. Why? because I have to keep up. It's my job...or so I put that pressure on myself. I had to be actively involved in whatever the girls were to a point that I was in  leadership roles on top of homeschooling, managing a home, moving and helping my man at his office. Life had gotten out hand for this lady...and there were days she felt so overwhelmed, but refused to admit how much she needed rest, peace, help. 

At this time, I did not like what I looked like at all. I felt gross and had determined I would always be large due to my female issues. But deep down, I prayed God would heal my body. Not to give birth, as once was the case. But to be able to enjoy my family and not grow weary in small tasks.

My family was my everything. I poured into them all I had and I felt that was what a good mom did. I felt a "good" Christian woman needed to serve on multiple boards to be sure she was serving God in the most effective way. Making sure she was in the mix and not just "sitting" on the sidelines letting others make decisions. I actually felt it had to be me. But what the picture above does not show is that this lady was spent and had very little left over to give to her family. I was on empty. 

Upon arriving home from Alaska, we all learned just how much that was true. I experienced my first severe panic attack during church that Sunday, sitting in a pew with fellow believers. I sat there feeling like if I didn't get out I was going to die. I got up, went to the bathroom where I was sure I was having a heart attack. I couldn't calm down. I didn't take my phone so I could not call my man of all times! So I waited for someone to walk in that knew me. I sat and sat as lady after lady walked in, looked at me, said nothing, walked back out after using the restroom. I was stunned at how little interaction there was in the restroom at a church we had attended for 7 years. But then, that is the negative side of going to a large church. I waited for 20 minutes before my help arrived in the form of a dance mom of Rachel's student. She got my family, we left, called my parents and we all sat in my living room checking my blood pressure and trying to get my mind to calm down. But I couldn't stop crying. I couldn't stand being alone. I couldn't stand having people too close though. It was odd. I was super sensitive to quiet as well as too loud. It appeared my nervous system was on overload and I had to sit back and wait it out. 

After a doctors visit, which my parents took me to, I started hormone replacement for perimenopause and some low dose blood pressure medicine to take the edge off the anxiety as I was told my blood pressure was anxiety related not due to hypertension. I was ruled out that I had diabetes, heart disease, all things I was sure I was dying from in the midst of these irrational moments. I can't explain what goes on in your mind when irrational thoughts take place. But I do know I have a new appreciation for people who struggle with mental illness. Anxiety, depression, etc, are no laughing matter. You can't stop your mind from thinking no matter what you do. And those thoughts are relentless. I spent two weeks unable to leave my home without someone else driving me. My parents came to pick me up daily and make me walk with them to  burn off adrenaline and get fresh air. Those talks and walks were the best medicine ever! My husband picked up helping with the girls activities and around the house with no complaints. The girls did whatever they needed to in order to keep the house running. The torch was passed to them at this time for a brief season and I have to say it was good to see they could do it. But I spent many days in tears over nothing. It was a dark place I never want to return. The only hope I had was my faith in Christ. What calmed me was when Matt would read scripture with me, pray with me or if I was listening to praise music. And for those who don't know me well, watching Pooh with my girls and coloring also helped my brain to relax and allow me to sleep. But if I was up, I was pacing, fearful and down right scary. My parents would drive over to take me out for a walk and then take me back to their house while Matt worked. This lasted longer than I hoped but soon I felt the meds were kicking in and I could tackle some things on my own. 

We opted for me to not take an antidepressant at that time and see if hormones helped as we felt everything was brought on by the hormone imbalance. I had never experienced anything like this prior to perimenopause. So instead, I found a new way of eating that works for me and allowed me to lose 40 pounds fairly quickly. I felt better than I had in years and I actually was in pictures again. Something I usually tried to hide from. 

This journey has weighed heavily on my body, mind and spirit. However, I feel it has weighed equally heavily on my sweet man and girls. It is tough to not know what to expect when you wake up each morning and look at your wife. It has to be scary to see your mom crying nonstop over nothing and curl up on the bed in a fetal position asking you to sit with her until she falls asleep or Daddy gets home. That is tough stuff. But I'm grateful for a family that loves me enough to walk this path with me and help me realize just how blessed and loved I truly am. That is something I think as women we sometimes loose sight of in the midst of our daily tasks. We start to feel invisible. 

This family has grown stronger as a result of my struggles. We have had to look at the things in our life and decide what matters most and what can we let go...activity wise, relationships, etc. That is hard to do. But if there are things in life that are so draining and you don't have it to give, you have to do what is best for your immediate family. So I've lost some friendships in the process. I've had to let go of what I want and learn to follow only what God brings to me. I have laid down my need to be in charge of what the girls are doing all the time and trust God to guide them as we have trained them to go to Him for guidance. I've stepped back and have seen them soar. I think God needed to break me to allow me to see that my family doesn't "need" me or the little things I do. My family "wants" me to be there and to be a part of their world when I am able. But they also want to be able to do things and share later. That is huge for me! I know it is splitting hair in a sense, but truly a need mentality puts me in the driver's seat. It means they can't function without me which brings a ton of weight (hence my weight gain) along with pressure galore! But to be wanted there is  so precious. There are not adequate words to express how blessed I was at this revelation by God during this time. I don't need to do all that other moms do to be the good mom, wife, Christian woman. I just need to act on what God lays before me and allow my heart to lead me in the choices I make daily instead of a check list of obligations. 

And you know what? I'm having more fun with my girls than I have in a long time because I'm happier. I'm peaceful because I'm setting healthy boundaries around what God has placed on my heart each day/week. When I step out of His plan, I relapse with panic, fears, health issue. 

But when I sit at the throne of Grace daily and ask for His plans to be revealed and I obey that plan that day...well, there is perfect peace and I have enough energy to get through the activities and enjoy my family in the evening to boot. Those days I don't listen are harsh still. I am learning as I go. This is definitely a journey...not a race. I see where God is leading and I am listening. I'm beginning to feel that menopause is a time of slowing down to take a long look at what you focus on and readjust as needed. And if you don't do it, you will be given another chance to learn the same lessons until you do slow down, seek God, obey His plan in your life, tell others no to things that you no longer can do and let others help you. 

So if you don't see me at meetings, church events, girls activities, you can be assured I spent some time doing what I needed to that day and am preparing to give my all to God first, family second. And the fruit of that is beautiful, no matter how bumpy the road getting there has been. 

Time Flies is the Truth

      Yesterday, I sat in my living room playing with these two and today we are all preparing for their launch to college. It does not seem possible. I have a mixed bag of emotions, as the aunt. I am so excited to see where God has brought them this far and I just can't wait to see where He takes them next. On the other hand, their heading off to school will start a chain reaction, much like their coming into our families did 18 years ago. Before long, we will all have empty nests and I think about that from time to time. If I were to talk to all 10 kiddos in our families, what would I want them to know before walking out into the world to spread their wings? What did I need to hear before doing the same? What things did I learn the hard way and want to share the wisdom from that lesson to spare them the same pain?

      And then it hits me....they have to fly off and fail in their own ways. It might be just silly stuff which we will giggle about for years to come or it might be stuff that makes our heart ache when we recall it, regardless, those lessons coming down the road are theirs to experience. The only thing I can offer as a loving aunt is my loving ear and shoulder when needed. (and maybe a little money from time to time:))

     So, sweet kiddos, I could not love you more. I could not be more proud of who you have become or excited to see such potential in where God is going to use each of you. My only real advice is to cling to Him and His Word and anything that goes against His Word is not worth it in the end. All the world offers is shiny and exciting and promises such empty pleasures....but seek Him before being fooled. You are His and when in doubt, just take a breath and listen to Him. He will never leave you or forsake you. And if you ever make a silly choice, just know I enjoy a good laugh as much as the next and my door is always open to listen to your heart aches and joys. Go shine for Him! You are ready for this and you are going to rock this world for Him, I just know it. And every once in a while...maybe just once in a while you might send your old Neeny a note. Love you guys! 

Stretched Thin

Wow! There are seasons in my life where I feel stretched out about as far as I can be stretched...this would be one of those times. I keep pouring over our schedule trying to find what can give and where can we reclaim some of the much desired family time...and we homeschool! How odd is that statement?! Ha! Anyway, as I was pondering this situation I had a few insights  and I was wondering if anyone else feels the same..or am I really that old?!

I just get saddened by the lack of family time..sitting around the dining room table nightly, eating together, talking, sharing our joys, sorrows etc. I am saddened by the lack of cuddle time in mornings to start the day with a sweet fragrance of giggles and not rush, rush, rush. I am saddened at the time I spend in a van driving my girls all over town and really not going anywhere. I am in the van more than I am in my home! And I am dropping my girls off somewhere more than I am able to sit with them and soak up some much needed momma/daughter time. So that got me to thinking, when did this switch happen? I don't recall ever being on the go as much as I am now when I was a kid. Was I oblivious or was it different? That is where I have to say my generation fails. We have lots of good things I see as parents...I believe we talk with our kids more than previous generations..each one gaining that gift from the other. However, we have less time to do so, so maybe we aren't talking more but just cramming it in to what time we have.

When I was a kid, I recall coming home, doing homework and playing outside or in our basement for hours! I mean hours, people. Today's kid comes home from school, does homework and goes to activities for hours! Where is the time for play? Imagination? Family bonding and memories? I point no fingers at anyone without pointing them at myself. I do the same thing. But I wonder...is it necessary to be at practices/classes daily? Really? Are we all trying to make our kids be the best in whatever they are doing instead of focusing on character development and family? Don't get me wrong, I think you get lots of benefits from the activities your kids are in...learning to stick to it to see a goal achieved, dedication etc. But where do they learn to honor their parents, love one another, serve together, loyalty to family etc if they spend more time with a team/group than each other?  I worry about this issue as I am trying to figure out what needs to give. But I wonder, do others see it as progress? Am I the only one who feels there are times we are sailing this generation of kids down the river by selling them the need to go, go, go at all times and never enjoy times of being still? In the stillness is where I learn the most about God. In the stillness is where I find peace. In the stillness, I breathe in His truths. So if I'm never still, never teaching them to be still, how will they hear Him? Is busyness the enemies greatest weapon against families?

Some of my sweetest moments growing up are of me sitting on my moms lap listening to her read to me over and over or camping and listening to my dad talk like Donald Duck for hours. Today...no time to go camping because someone has a game/performance. No time to sit and read because the school work is too demanding and leaves no time. I am humbled by the dedication and focus of my girls leaders/coaches. Truly I am. I just wonder if that role in their life shouldn't still be ours and we have paid someone else to take that from us. For me...leaves me thinking there has to be a better choice. A combination of it all. Until I find that, I pray I can steal away sweet moments in the craziness of our schedule. I just know one thing is true...I only have a season of my life to raise the kids God has blessed me with and I would hate to think I spent it driving around instead of soaking up sweet moments that will carry me through all the other seasons of my life. I don't get to do this again...one chance. What do I want my girls to walk away from this season in their life knowing? What do I need to change to make that happen? Eager to hear your thoughts.

New Year~ Fresh Focus

I realize I might be a little behind in posting this, but hey, it's still January! I just really want to have it written somewhere to help me stay accountable to this goal in  my life. So, with that, let me back pedal a bit...
There are times in my life where I have the best intentions of doing better, speaking better, living better, and yet I don't. I drop the ball. I get short with my family (hard to imagine, I know:) , I don't sit down for Quiet Time yet again, I leave the house a mess, I miss opportunities to pour truth into my girls and I walk right on past where God wants me to be. I miss it all. Why? Because I'm so focused on what I want to do in that moment I lose focus on what is most important. Kind of the Tyranny of the Urgent. Those things that scream loudest, get my attention. Yet, all that does for me is to truly leave me empty. I feel sad at the end of a year, my heart not full of the joy I know God desires for my life. So what's a girl to do?

For me, setting goals is key. So this year of 2014, I have chosen to focus in on two words to really fix the rest of my life around. My words for 2014 are PASSION and INTENTIONAL. I desire to be more passionate in the things God calls me to do...as a wife, mother, daughter, leader, friend. I want to be sold out for HIM in all I do. When someone is passionate about what they are doing, they are contagious. You love being around them because they ooze joy and passion for whatever it is they adore. I want to be that way about JESUS to my girls. I want them to see that I am so passionate about JESUS that I ooze HIS love and truth in every aspect of my life. I want them to see that I am so passionate about being a Godly wife, that I ooze the love of Christ on my husband and that the calling to be their mom is such a passionate calling in my life that I ooze the love of Christ all over them as well. I want them to see the  passion I feel inside starting to ooze all over whatever I'm doing.

Being intentional seems natural for some people. Most of the time it can be for me as well. I often choose people over tasks. I know that jobs can wait but people are only here for a time. So I get that, but there are times I use that as a way to get out of  things. Being honest here. So in my goal to be more intentional with all I do, I need to carry that in all areas of my life. Wherever God places me for that moment, I desire to be intentional in that moment..with the people there, with the job at hand, with the calling given. That will require me to stay focused on that moment and not get lost in my daydreams or my "fixing it" mentality which can creep its way in without me realizing it. Being intentional is really about being sold out in that moment, fully engaged and prepared to do whatever it is God has called me to do...laundry, meals, hug my girls for some much needed cuddle time. I don't want to waste one moment of time over my agenda or need to fix something. I want to get lost in memories and moments God has placed on my journey this year.

So, I leave this post up as a reminder to myself to stay passionate about what God  has called me to do in life and to be intentional while there. I'm eager to see how this year pans out but so far...loving it!
Blessings!

Snow Fun!

WE have been experiencing some beautiful snowfalls lately. I thought I'd take a sec and post some pics of the fun we've had in the snow...as well as some shots that are just beautiful! :)

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The girls decided to dive into the snow...swimsuit on, hat on..bare feet! Oh my!

They also made a new friend. :) 

Even our furry guy enjoyed the snow. 

Bean loves to take pictures. She asked Doodle to put on one of 

her dance costumes and pose. And they are beautiful! 

Blessed by the ballerina and the photographer! :) 

Our road...beauty.

Some hate snow, but I love the way it reminds me of how God allowed His Son to die for me and cover my sins white as snow. AS I look out my window and see a fresh blanket of unmarked snow, I can't help but immediately think of this gift. Precious reminder. :) 

Introducing Miller's Remington Steele....

Our girls were so determined to have a puppy this year for Christmas. They started in on their dad right away. It's been over a year and a half since our beloved Rocky passed away. We all were ready to hear the pitter at of sweet puppy feet in our new house. Well, not all of us, but all the females in the house. How's that for not naming names?! Ha! 

 Obviously, the girls won in the end and wore their dad down. Who are we fooling...he's a softie when it comes to them. He eventually started looking at puppies and dogs that were a bit older and trained. We both felt that might work better with our lifestyle right now but the girls were determined to have a puppy. So guess what...

That's right...they got a puppy. He's 4 months old and is the most bashful pup we've ever experienced in our lives! He runs at the drop of a feather, an adult walking through the room, his own shadow! Ha! Not really, but he is quite fearful or anxious about most things. However, we have noticed he is starting to warm up to the girls quite a bit. He loves playing outside with them and cuddling up with them on the floor. 

For the first two days, this pup would not leave his blankie we put on the floor. We seriously had to carry him outside to go to the bathroom and back inside when he was done. I think we were all a bit worried that would last. But thankfully it did not. We then went to opening the door and letting him head out when he was ready. Took him 20+ minutes the first time. Now he goes right out most the time, unless the girls are gone and I have to let him out. Then he takes a bit longer. 

So with his attachment to his blankie we considered naming him Linus. We figured that seemed fitting! Yet we hated to dub him a name from his puppy days that he will outgrow or shall I say we pray he will outgrow! So we started down the list of name possibilities...Spencer, Stanley, Oliver, Moose, Murphy, Snoopy, Samson...none seemed to stick with all of us. Then I mentioned Remington. Not sure if I was doing my hair and saw the curling iron or maybe caught a glimpse of my husband's hunting gear, but Remington popped in my head and then I thought of the old tv show Remington Steel, which I loved! So we voted and soon we were loving on our Miller's Remington Steele....aka Remmy. 

And although he protested for a year, no matter what he says...Matt loves this dog. I think this picture says it all, don't you?! Love it! 

So here he is...sitting pretty in his cage. Remington Steele Miller. What a sweetie! Welcome home, Remmy! We look forward to many more years with you in our family.

Reflections on 2013

As I take time to reflect on our year, I realized that I had not opened up my blog in an entire year to write a new post. That says a lot. I've been so busy with life that I didn't have time to just sit and be. I LOVE journaling what our family is up to. It is a great way for me to capture moments in time and make sure the lessons we learned or challenges given or words of encouragement received are not forgotten in time. I adore it. So with the new outlook for 2014, I desire to get back into blogging and really see how God is using our family and growing each of us as we start this new year of adventure!

In retrospect, I must at least go through my top 10 memories of 2013...so here we go:

10. Seeing Alaska with entire family on my husband's side. I have never seen such beauty!

9. All the "firsts" that this year has brought, Doodle dancing in her recital on pointe, Bean swimming in a new age group and doing great, Doodle learning to drive, Doodle going to her first prom with friends, Bean getting her ears pierced, Bean cutting off her braids, Doodle started a new co-op where she attends two days a week without us, all of us walking or running in our first Drumstick Dash with the Perkins and cousins, Christmas at our new house and a new puppy to boot!

8. Matt turned 50! We had a card shower for him and had a few friends fly in to celebrate! :)

7. With having lots of firsts, we obvously have some lasts as well. Some of my favorites have been:
   ~sitting in the rocker in the girls old bedroom before they painted over the flowers we painted when we moved in....oh the tears of joy remembering bringing each girl into that room and rocking them.
   ~Watching the girls swing on the swingset Matt built them at the old house for the last time. sniff.sniff
    ~Watching Doodle dance at the recital with a dear friend who was stepping out of dance and also her instructor who was retiring the same year. It was bitter sweet to see her cling to what was and venture out to the new. Such sweet memories!
  ~ We quit our old co-op after 6 years. Little did I know what God had planned for me to know how much He protected all by making this choice..no matter how tough it was!

6. Sunsets and sunrises....each of them I soak in and can't get enough. God's creativity never gets old.

5. Bean turned 13!! Yes, that's right, my baby is 13! She is a beautiful, young lady who loves quietly serving
    others. She adores babies and truly has a knack for baking.

4. We moved! We sold our house we lived in for 13 years and moved next door to Matt's parents. This was not a planned move but very sudden decision. The opportunity came and we jumped on it. That was a lot of work to prep our house for sale and then to clean a home that had been sitting for a year. I have never painted so much in my life! We were blessed by all the people who stopped by to help us each day as we prepared the new house for our family. I was humbled by friends I haven't seen in years just stopping by. God touched my heart to let me know that sweet friends never stop being friends no matter how long it has been. I pray  I can repay the love shower we received to each of them one day. It is humbling beyond words and so grateful!

3. Since the move, my favorite thing has to be seeing my father-in-law riding my husband's bike from when he was a kid over to see the girls. It was so stinking cute! He just pedaled over here like it was no big deal to see a grown man riding a bike with a banana seat and flag! Hilarious!

2. Doodle turned sweet 16! We've always known she was sweet, but to see her continue to grow into this amazing woman of God is just humbling beyond words. She has a heart for God that makes others pale in comparison, including my own. We are excited to see her flourish at her new co-op and to see her enjoying her friends so much.

1. My favorite "memory" of 2013 has to be God's healing of me! I had no idea how much I had let myself go until we returned from Alaska in August. We had moved in early July, left for Alaska two weeks later. Returned home and my body unleashed war on me. I suffered from panic attacks the likes I've never experienced.  I couldn't leave my home. For two weeks, I struggled to get a grasp on my emotions, health and irrational fears/thoughts. All the while, right by my side sat my family...Matt, the girls, my precious parents, sister and brother and in laws. Everyone dropped their plans or such to pour into my life and get me well. Being a gal who struggled to see her worth from time to time, this brought me to my knees. I was humbled at how often my mom and dad would drive over to our house, drag me out the door to walk with them and bring me back all the wall cheering me on to good health. They sat with me at countless doctors appointments, helped me walk through a store or leave a birthday party when I felt uneasy. They did not make me feel belittled or as if I was crazy ever. My sister spoke truth into my head...reminding me that God speaks to us loudest when we are still. Since I had been on the go for so long, He needed to get my attention to hear Him. So she encouraged me to look at this time not as me going crazy, although it did feel as such, yet instead to see it as a time of soaking in God's words and being still so He could guide me. I wept considering that while others were telling me to swallow a pill, my sister knew what to say and what my soul needed. I'm not against meds if I need them at all. I just think it was amazing to see that although we may not see each other as often as I like, when it came down to it, they were all there and knew exactly what my heart needed to hear.

It turned out that I was struggling with a major change in my life...perimenopause. Oh the joys! This was causing my hormones to be out of whack and caused the panic attacks but we had a few weeks where I feared I was dealing with a heart condition, diabetes, mental illness. I was a broken woman. And oh, the joy that comes from being completely broken, bare before your creator! God met me in a way I can never put words to adequately. His Word brought me comfort. Singing praises to Him brought me comfort. Praying with my family brought me comfort. And finally, listening to His leading on getting me to the right doctors brought me comfort.

I'm thankful for the journey God took me on as I healed the next few months. I was forced to really look at my life,my heart,my activities and see what mattered most and what was causing me to sink.I was forced to ask for help...so hard for me to do!  I was forced to look at my body as  temple of God. How I chose to care for it or ignore it was up to me, but it would not withstand being abused or ignored without side effects. So I started walking with my parents in August and kept going. Being outside in creation, walking..clears my mind. Allows me to focus on my creator and know He is bigger than any of the stuff I'm facing. I get clarity on that silly trail. The panic attacks started to vanish and instead came peace.

The more I dug into God's Word and into the areas of my life that He was ready to tackle, the stronger I became. I am thankful for realizing I put myself last to the point of not taking care of my body, spirit, mind. I needed to hear that it is ok to take time out of the busyness of life to just sit or walk. I need to sit or walk and be still so I can hear Him. I need that. That is no longer a desire in my life but a need. And to be honest, I think a lot of women need that but are so busy doing things for everyone else, they sink. So I am learning to speak up when I need time and to be diligent about my work when I am busy. Balance is the key.

The perk of all this has been that as I tackled each area God brought up to me during this time, the weight melted off. It was like an awakening of my spirit was burning off the layers of crud I had held onto or stuffed for years. What a glorious way to start a new year! No longer bound to  old ways but free to experience life the way God intended...focused on Him, walking with family, supported by friends. I can't wait to see where He takes us next!