The Firsts and the Lasts

As I laid next to my daughter, stroking her hair the way I have since she was tiny, I couldn't help but ponder when was the last time I was blessed to be curled up with my girl, comforting or encouraging her the way Momma's do? That train of thought lead to a huge list of lasts that I just don't think about on a daily basis. However , as I'm facing my daughter's last year at school and home, I have to say the lasts came flooding in as I cuddled up and calmed her fears. 

Would I be able to recall the lasts as we enter this new phase of life?

 When was the last time I washed her hair? When was the last time I read her a bedtime story or a chapter book just for the fun of getting lost in a story? When was the last time I was able to pick her up and carry her to bed to tuck her in so tenderly? When was the last time I tucked her in and sang her the good night prayer song? When was the last time we walked through the store and her little hand grabbed mine? When was the last time we laid in the grass and looked at the clouds? When was the last time we blew bubbles and tried to pop them? When was the last time we laughed so hard we cried? When was the last time she ran to me to help the sadness, hurt or boo boo go away? Some of the answers were not so long ago, but others....

....can lead to a line of depressing answers if allowed to go down that road. However, I choose a different route as I look back at the years I've been home with these precious gifts I call my daughters. I choose to thank God for each moment we have had, the good days and the bumpy days, because in them all, we have found a joy and a peace in all circumstances that outweighs the sadness of these lasts.  For where there are lasts being experienced, that means there are firsts as well. 

When I was the first person they texted on their new phones or that I am always the  person they call when sick. We have seen first time driving, driving alone and driving with sister. The first time on a date. First prom with a boy. First trip without parents. First college class. First big Bible of their own. First cousins trips. First checking account. First checks written. First steps into public school. First boyfriend. First steps toward adulthood. 

No matter how many lasts we experience as moms, we have to constantly look forward at the firsts about to occur and cherish those. Sure, some of the lasts sting, but the day I washed my daughter's hair or tied her shoe for the last time are a fog because on that day, I didn't know it was the last time. So young moms, enjoy the little mundane tasks you get to partake in and know one day there will be a last bath or a last load of baby laundry. But keep in focus the next steps are beautiful. For when we close a door on a chapter or season of life, God so brings new life springing forward in the new season He has prepared. So don't mourn the passing of lasts yet cherish them and focus more on the joys yet to come. Motherhood has seasons and each one is beautiful. I'm thankful that sometimes, for a brief moment, I still get a glimpse of that sweet little girl who needs her momma to curl up next to her and remind her what is true. But I know those times are numbered as well, so I'll just soak them in and love on her until she is able to remind herself of these truths and we find a new first together. 

 

A Season For Everything

Seasons are often thought of as periods of time in a year...Winter, Spring, Summer and Fall. But lately, I've been facing a new type of season in my life. Just as the seasons of the year have their own beauty, so do these seasons of my life. My early married life with Matt was a precious season. We had to learn how to read each other, bless each other and just getting to enjoy all the marriage brought with it. Then we started the season of being parents. Motherhood is a gift. I know that deeply as I longed for that gift during my waiting season. Each season has its trials with the beauty, just as spring brings beautiful flowers, it also brings terrible storms. But the beauty always outweighs the storm. 

Right now, I am in a transition phase in my life. I've been a homeschool mom for 11 years. I've been a stay home mom for 17 of our 23 married years. As we are planning out our girls next year of schooling, changes are occurring that will drastically alter this season of my life. I have so many thoughts daily about these changes. On one hand, I am so excited for my girls and I am eager to see how God blesses them and our family with these changes. On the other hand, I have great fear of the unknown. How will they handle the changes? What if we made the wrong choice? How will they do? 

The changes being made will mean I am no longer the lead teacher for our girls daily. It means, I am outsourcing my job or I've worked myself out of a job. I don't know what I feel about this yet. Again, I have daily differing opinions of what I feel. One day, I am so happy to see this part of my life lay down and ready to pick up the next part with gusto. The next day, I am so sad it's ending. I have loved being home with my girls, schooling them. I find great joy in that job most the time. Sure, there are days I would beg my husband to switch me jobs, but ultimately I deeply love my 'job" of mom and teacher to these precious jewels. How do you go from being with them daily to seeing them only in the evenings/weekends? How do you fill your days? Is it time for me to get a job again? What in the world would I do? Who in the world would hire a teacher who hasn't taught in the classroom for 17 years?! All of these thoughts run through my mind.  

Then I hear that still calm voice, my sweet Jesus, reminding me to breathe. His peace sweeps over me like a fall breeze rustling the trees. I am instantly reminded that God is in control, I am not to fear and I can rest in His perfect timing. Not only did He create these girls for His glory, He loves them more than I do and He will go before them and prepare a way for them. Where I am not, He is. And for me to know that He will also prepare a way for me. He does not make mistakes. This season of my life is by no mistake. God has orchestrated circumstances to fall into place for this season to feel peaceful and blessed. So then, why do I struggle to let go. I'm not always happy to see the seasons change in the year nor in my life, but with accepting it, I learn to trust God's perfect timing and planning for my life. 

Who Needs Shades of Grey When We Have Full Color

With the recent ads for the movie, 50 shades of grey, I suddenly realized there really are so many things I want my girls to know about marriage, the marriage bed and what God created to be beautifully glorious. I don't want them to take hollywood's view of something so precious. So this is one of those posts that will one day bless my girls, but right now, they will cringe because I may have to resort to using the word they don't want to think about their parents enjoying...you know the one.

So here are a few things I want my girls to know:

1. Your body is a temple to be cherished and treated with respect, care and not to be treated as a token of lust or a one night stand. You are worth more than that. You are a jewel worth waiting for and anyone who tries to push his way on you does not deserve such a precious gift. A gentleman waits and respects you.

2. God created sex to be enjoyed, playful, exciting within boundaries of marriage. You are each other's playground so to speak. Enjoy each other and don't hesitate to talk about what works and what doesn't. Most of all, have fun! Don't make this area too serious or freak out over "doing it right". Just play and learn and laugh together.

3.  Hollywood's view of marriage, sex and dating is fiercely tainted and watching movies that show this view makes you have a tainted view as well. Guard your heart from a let down in the real world by not watching things that are scandalous, portraying marriage as temporary, portraying sex as nothing more than a physical need met, portraying men or women as objects to lust after. Remember the song we sang when you were little...Be careful little eyes what you see. Oh be careful little eyes what you see....Well that song is still true today. It's not that God is judging you for watching things that are not honoring to him or to you. It is that God knows what it does to a marriage when a man chooses to view movies, computer screens, books or magazines that show women in lustful ways or when a woman watches movies, etc of men in provocative situations. If you watch those things, over time, you put those unrealistic expectations on your spouse. For women, it tends to be romance movies/books. But someone is telling that guy what to say! No one tells your husband what to say or do and he can never match up to the sweet ending that always occurs. It is only setting yourself up for disappointment. And if he's watching stuff that show women doing things that no normal woman can or will do, then he too is setting himself up for unrealistic expectations. So guard your hearts, eyes and minds sweet girls. Your marriage deserves that so much!

4. It takes time to get things going. When you are first married, it is terribly difficult to shift your brain from one day not doing what you are free to do on your wedding night. It takes time to shift fully into being able to enjoy the beautiful gift God created for a husband and a wife. Don't expect things to go perfectly on your wedding night...or even that first year. This is one area that as much as you may gag to hear, it gets better with time. You learn more about your spouse and things that just work for the two of you and it becomes a beautiful celebration of your love. This is not rocket science, but it is something that movies/tv make you think is easy and never awkward and always fulfilling. Trust me when I say that there are giggles, awkward moments and nerves and laughter galore! Mostly, there is love and as your love for each other changes from that newly married love to that love of years of walking side by side, growing closer to God and to each other, oh sweet girls, you are in for a treat! That's all I am going to say about that. (stop puking! LOL!)

There will be additions to this list as time goes on, I am sure. But for now, I'll stop there so you can take your breath. I want you to live a life in full color as God designed you to live. No shades of grey sweet girls. Live vibrantly and enjoy all God created from every single sunrise/sunset to the sweet music you and your spouse will one day make together. Don't settle for anything less! Ok, now you can gag.

The Little Girl That Could...My Own Little Engine Story

I've struggled to know what to say or not to say in case I say too much and offend. I never want my girls to feel this blog is something they dread because I share about our family. But then, God keeps telling me to share this story so someone who needs help can hear it, have hope and see what we've seen. One of our girls has struggled to learn from books. Reading was hard. Comprehension is tough. Math was easy for most of her school until she hit grade 6. She has always loved hands on activities. She learns best by doing and she learns best by organizing her thoughts with color. She has to see it to know it and to see it, it has to be colorful. Once she gets it, it's there. But getting her to that point has been nothing short of a miracle.

As a homeschool mom, the journey of teaching this child had brought me to my knees many a night. I felt like a failure often. Why can't I help her learn? What am I missing? As a trained teacher, I felt this was the challenge...to learn how she learns best and teach that way. Everything that worked with the "typical" student, did not work with her. So I kept digging. I kept praying. I kept trying new things. I kept hearing God tell me to keep doing what we were doing on those days I worried I was ruining her.

God cares for His kids. He places them where they need to be for what He needs them to learn. I know this is true, because we lived it. My girl could not read and I was struggling to find a way to teach her. God lead me to a co-op where there was a mom who would tutor kids with reading struggles using Orton-Gillingham approach, which is what they use for dyslexic kids. Her son was dyslexic and she tutored through the local dyslexic group. So she was a wealth of information, still is. I was able to see where my girl was growing quickly. After three years of her tutoring my sweet gal, she released her from tutoring. My girl could read. She was able to read at grade level. And the world was good....until middle school hit.

Once in middle school, we noticed a drastic change in her ability to comprehend what she was reading. Grades started to suffer because she couldn't remember what she was reading. So I sought help. Through some testing and such, we learned a lot about our girl, most of which we already knew but it was good to see that we do know her and we weren't messing her up. Regardless, daily work was painful for her. And to see a child struggle is one thing. To hear them suffer and feel stupid, well that breaks the teacher momma's heart. So I started researching options for a little assistance as we figured out that the reason school got so hard at the middle school level was because they now are required to use higher level thinking skills which could not be highlighted in the book with pretty colors, or color coded note cards. This meant, she had to recall the story, make inferences and write what she concurred. For a kid with dyslexic tendencies...that is so difficult.

In my research and my hunt to find answers, I found that in my girls mind, she does not make a movie picture of the books as she reads, like her sister would. For example, when we read a story, we "see" that story running through our minds like a movie. For her, there is no movie. So no movie equals not able to pull information for recall which means not able to make those higher level thinking questions work. So I came across a program that I wanted for her to be taught which would teach this skill. We found a couple companies that would work. One wanted her to attend for 6 weeks this summer for 4-5 hours each day at a price tag of 12,000!!! Holy cow! Then the one we used chose to have us come 6 hours a week, two days a week through summer. Then we went for four hours two days a week this fall. Right now she is taking  a break until end of January and then we go back for one hour sessions twice weekly. During these sessions, they are training her how to take what she reads, create that movie in her mind to allow her to pull from that to connect the higher level thinking skills. This option was much cheaper, but still very pricey. But wait til you hear the payoff....

My sweet girl has NEVER picked up a book to read for enjoyment. EVER! I just assumed, at the time, it was a personality thing. She also NEVER unpacked her day driving around or arriving home as her sister had. Again, I assumed it was a personality thing. But I've found that is not true!! It's a brain wiring thing! As the tutors worked with my girl, she started getting in the van and unloading her day with me, as her sister has always done. She talked the entire 45 minute ride home often. Other times, she worked so hard she sat in silence. We called that brain tired! I get that! But to see those moments connect for her and make sense in a way she could retell was nothing short of amazing. There were times I felt overwhelmed at listening to all she shared because it was music to my ears, answer to prayers and I didn't want it to end.

About a month ago, a sweet friend watched her while my  husband and I went to Chicago. She shared a movie with her which sparked an interest in reading the book. I had not read the books, seen the movie nor did I want to honestly.  So I talked it over with my man and we decided at her age, if she is asking for a book, we buy it and talk through any issues that pop up. So we did. My girl was found sitting on her bed of all things....READING!!! My child was reading a book for pleasure!!! She finished that first book in two weeks. Begged to buy the second book and finished it in three days! We are now on the third book and believe she will finish it this weekend. I can't tell you what it does to this momma to see what you've always known to be true...you child is more than capable. She is achieving things at a pace I'm amazed.

Some would have written her off. They would have said I needed to be realistic at what she can do. They would have said she just "can't " do what I want her to do. They would have said put her in school because they have "trained" professionals to do what you can't. They would have said she just can't learn.I know that because it has been said to me by professionals, family and friends.  But God had placed on my heart early on to teach these girls the way they learn...the way He created them. So as I stepped out of the box, I learned that ALL God's children can learn. We just have to find the way He wired them to do so and then pour everything we have into that way until the light comes on and they soar on their own. I'm not saying school is easy. I'm not saying she doesn't get frustrated. But you know what, my girl is reading for pleasure, tackling school work independently and downloading her day to me more and more and I could not be more grateful! Bottom line to that mom who is ready to quit...pray, keep going until you find the answer, ask lots of questions and never give up on your child. The pay off is priceless!

Momma's Journey

This is becoming my journal to good health physically, emotionally and spiritually. I have been on a wild journey the past year and a half and I have to say that I have learned so much about myself, my family, my friends,  faith and my sweet Jesus. I will start at what I consider the beginning: Alaska cruise 2013. Here we are at the Musher Camp overlook. It was a great day, but I was so tired it was very difficult to enjoy a lot of what we did. 

We had moved from our home of 13 years the month prior to leaving, two weeks to be exact. I was finishing schooling the girls, driving them to activities and managing the home as usual as well as painting the rooms and emptying boxes so we could be moved in prior to this cruise we had planned. But I was also finding myself to be more and more exhausted over simple tasks, forgetful and as always, wacky female issues. This woman in this picture was tired...physically, emotionally, and spiritually. When I look at this picture, I feel sad. That is such a fake smile. I know what this woman is feeling, thinking, hiding behind those glasses so as not to alarm anyone how exhausted she truly is. Why? because I have to keep up. It's my job...or so I put that pressure on myself. I had to be actively involved in whatever the girls were to a point that I was in  leadership roles on top of homeschooling, managing a home, moving and helping my man at his office. Life had gotten out hand for this lady...and there were days she felt so overwhelmed, but refused to admit how much she needed rest, peace, help. 

At this time, I did not like what I looked like at all. I felt gross and had determined I would always be large due to my female issues. But deep down, I prayed God would heal my body. Not to give birth, as once was the case. But to be able to enjoy my family and not grow weary in small tasks.

My family was my everything. I poured into them all I had and I felt that was what a good mom did. I felt a "good" Christian woman needed to serve on multiple boards to be sure she was serving God in the most effective way. Making sure she was in the mix and not just "sitting" on the sidelines letting others make decisions. I actually felt it had to be me. But what the picture above does not show is that this lady was spent and had very little left over to give to her family. I was on empty. 

Upon arriving home from Alaska, we all learned just how much that was true. I experienced my first severe panic attack during church that Sunday, sitting in a pew with fellow believers. I sat there feeling like if I didn't get out I was going to die. I got up, went to the bathroom where I was sure I was having a heart attack. I couldn't calm down. I didn't take my phone so I could not call my man of all times! So I waited for someone to walk in that knew me. I sat and sat as lady after lady walked in, looked at me, said nothing, walked back out after using the restroom. I was stunned at how little interaction there was in the restroom at a church we had attended for 7 years. But then, that is the negative side of going to a large church. I waited for 20 minutes before my help arrived in the form of a dance mom of Rachel's student. She got my family, we left, called my parents and we all sat in my living room checking my blood pressure and trying to get my mind to calm down. But I couldn't stop crying. I couldn't stand being alone. I couldn't stand having people too close though. It was odd. I was super sensitive to quiet as well as too loud. It appeared my nervous system was on overload and I had to sit back and wait it out. 

After a doctors visit, which my parents took me to, I started hormone replacement for perimenopause and some low dose blood pressure medicine to take the edge off the anxiety as I was told my blood pressure was anxiety related not due to hypertension. I was ruled out that I had diabetes, heart disease, all things I was sure I was dying from in the midst of these irrational moments. I can't explain what goes on in your mind when irrational thoughts take place. But I do know I have a new appreciation for people who struggle with mental illness. Anxiety, depression, etc, are no laughing matter. You can't stop your mind from thinking no matter what you do. And those thoughts are relentless. I spent two weeks unable to leave my home without someone else driving me. My parents came to pick me up daily and make me walk with them to  burn off adrenaline and get fresh air. Those talks and walks were the best medicine ever! My husband picked up helping with the girls activities and around the house with no complaints. The girls did whatever they needed to in order to keep the house running. The torch was passed to them at this time for a brief season and I have to say it was good to see they could do it. But I spent many days in tears over nothing. It was a dark place I never want to return. The only hope I had was my faith in Christ. What calmed me was when Matt would read scripture with me, pray with me or if I was listening to praise music. And for those who don't know me well, watching Pooh with my girls and coloring also helped my brain to relax and allow me to sleep. But if I was up, I was pacing, fearful and down right scary. My parents would drive over to take me out for a walk and then take me back to their house while Matt worked. This lasted longer than I hoped but soon I felt the meds were kicking in and I could tackle some things on my own. 

We opted for me to not take an antidepressant at that time and see if hormones helped as we felt everything was brought on by the hormone imbalance. I had never experienced anything like this prior to perimenopause. So instead, I found a new way of eating that works for me and allowed me to lose 40 pounds fairly quickly. I felt better than I had in years and I actually was in pictures again. Something I usually tried to hide from. 

This journey has weighed heavily on my body, mind and spirit. However, I feel it has weighed equally heavily on my sweet man and girls. It is tough to not know what to expect when you wake up each morning and look at your wife. It has to be scary to see your mom crying nonstop over nothing and curl up on the bed in a fetal position asking you to sit with her until she falls asleep or Daddy gets home. That is tough stuff. But I'm grateful for a family that loves me enough to walk this path with me and help me realize just how blessed and loved I truly am. That is something I think as women we sometimes loose sight of in the midst of our daily tasks. We start to feel invisible. 

This family has grown stronger as a result of my struggles. We have had to look at the things in our life and decide what matters most and what can we let go...activity wise, relationships, etc. That is hard to do. But if there are things in life that are so draining and you don't have it to give, you have to do what is best for your immediate family. So I've lost some friendships in the process. I've had to let go of what I want and learn to follow only what God brings to me. I have laid down my need to be in charge of what the girls are doing all the time and trust God to guide them as we have trained them to go to Him for guidance. I've stepped back and have seen them soar. I think God needed to break me to allow me to see that my family doesn't "need" me or the little things I do. My family "wants" me to be there and to be a part of their world when I am able. But they also want to be able to do things and share later. That is huge for me! I know it is splitting hair in a sense, but truly a need mentality puts me in the driver's seat. It means they can't function without me which brings a ton of weight (hence my weight gain) along with pressure galore! But to be wanted there is  so precious. There are not adequate words to express how blessed I was at this revelation by God during this time. I don't need to do all that other moms do to be the good mom, wife, Christian woman. I just need to act on what God lays before me and allow my heart to lead me in the choices I make daily instead of a check list of obligations. 

And you know what? I'm having more fun with my girls than I have in a long time because I'm happier. I'm peaceful because I'm setting healthy boundaries around what God has placed on my heart each day/week. When I step out of His plan, I relapse with panic, fears, health issue. 

But when I sit at the throne of Grace daily and ask for His plans to be revealed and I obey that plan that day...well, there is perfect peace and I have enough energy to get through the activities and enjoy my family in the evening to boot. Those days I don't listen are harsh still. I am learning as I go. This is definitely a journey...not a race. I see where God is leading and I am listening. I'm beginning to feel that menopause is a time of slowing down to take a long look at what you focus on and readjust as needed. And if you don't do it, you will be given another chance to learn the same lessons until you do slow down, seek God, obey His plan in your life, tell others no to things that you no longer can do and let others help you. 

So if you don't see me at meetings, church events, girls activities, you can be assured I spent some time doing what I needed to that day and am preparing to give my all to God first, family second. And the fruit of that is beautiful, no matter how bumpy the road getting there has been. 

Time Flies is the Truth

      Yesterday, I sat in my living room playing with these two and today we are all preparing for their launch to college. It does not seem possible. I have a mixed bag of emotions, as the aunt. I am so excited to see where God has brought them this far and I just can't wait to see where He takes them next. On the other hand, their heading off to school will start a chain reaction, much like their coming into our families did 18 years ago. Before long, we will all have empty nests and I think about that from time to time. If I were to talk to all 10 kiddos in our families, what would I want them to know before walking out into the world to spread their wings? What did I need to hear before doing the same? What things did I learn the hard way and want to share the wisdom from that lesson to spare them the same pain?

      And then it hits me....they have to fly off and fail in their own ways. It might be just silly stuff which we will giggle about for years to come or it might be stuff that makes our heart ache when we recall it, regardless, those lessons coming down the road are theirs to experience. The only thing I can offer as a loving aunt is my loving ear and shoulder when needed. (and maybe a little money from time to time:))

     So, sweet kiddos, I could not love you more. I could not be more proud of who you have become or excited to see such potential in where God is going to use each of you. My only real advice is to cling to Him and His Word and anything that goes against His Word is not worth it in the end. All the world offers is shiny and exciting and promises such empty pleasures....but seek Him before being fooled. You are His and when in doubt, just take a breath and listen to Him. He will never leave you or forsake you. And if you ever make a silly choice, just know I enjoy a good laugh as much as the next and my door is always open to listen to your heart aches and joys. Go shine for Him! You are ready for this and you are going to rock this world for Him, I just know it. And every once in a while...maybe just once in a while you might send your old Neeny a note. Love you guys! 

Stretched Thin

Wow! There are seasons in my life where I feel stretched out about as far as I can be stretched...this would be one of those times. I keep pouring over our schedule trying to find what can give and where can we reclaim some of the much desired family time...and we homeschool! How odd is that statement?! Ha! Anyway, as I was pondering this situation I had a few insights  and I was wondering if anyone else feels the same..or am I really that old?!

I just get saddened by the lack of family time..sitting around the dining room table nightly, eating together, talking, sharing our joys, sorrows etc. I am saddened by the lack of cuddle time in mornings to start the day with a sweet fragrance of giggles and not rush, rush, rush. I am saddened at the time I spend in a van driving my girls all over town and really not going anywhere. I am in the van more than I am in my home! And I am dropping my girls off somewhere more than I am able to sit with them and soak up some much needed momma/daughter time. So that got me to thinking, when did this switch happen? I don't recall ever being on the go as much as I am now when I was a kid. Was I oblivious or was it different? That is where I have to say my generation fails. We have lots of good things I see as parents...I believe we talk with our kids more than previous generations..each one gaining that gift from the other. However, we have less time to do so, so maybe we aren't talking more but just cramming it in to what time we have.

When I was a kid, I recall coming home, doing homework and playing outside or in our basement for hours! I mean hours, people. Today's kid comes home from school, does homework and goes to activities for hours! Where is the time for play? Imagination? Family bonding and memories? I point no fingers at anyone without pointing them at myself. I do the same thing. But I wonder...is it necessary to be at practices/classes daily? Really? Are we all trying to make our kids be the best in whatever they are doing instead of focusing on character development and family? Don't get me wrong, I think you get lots of benefits from the activities your kids are in...learning to stick to it to see a goal achieved, dedication etc. But where do they learn to honor their parents, love one another, serve together, loyalty to family etc if they spend more time with a team/group than each other?  I worry about this issue as I am trying to figure out what needs to give. But I wonder, do others see it as progress? Am I the only one who feels there are times we are sailing this generation of kids down the river by selling them the need to go, go, go at all times and never enjoy times of being still? In the stillness is where I learn the most about God. In the stillness is where I find peace. In the stillness, I breathe in His truths. So if I'm never still, never teaching them to be still, how will they hear Him? Is busyness the enemies greatest weapon against families?

Some of my sweetest moments growing up are of me sitting on my moms lap listening to her read to me over and over or camping and listening to my dad talk like Donald Duck for hours. Today...no time to go camping because someone has a game/performance. No time to sit and read because the school work is too demanding and leaves no time. I am humbled by the dedication and focus of my girls leaders/coaches. Truly I am. I just wonder if that role in their life shouldn't still be ours and we have paid someone else to take that from us. For me...leaves me thinking there has to be a better choice. A combination of it all. Until I find that, I pray I can steal away sweet moments in the craziness of our schedule. I just know one thing is true...I only have a season of my life to raise the kids God has blessed me with and I would hate to think I spent it driving around instead of soaking up sweet moments that will carry me through all the other seasons of my life. I don't get to do this again...one chance. What do I want my girls to walk away from this season in their life knowing? What do I need to change to make that happen? Eager to hear your thoughts.

New Year~ Fresh Focus

I realize I might be a little behind in posting this, but hey, it's still January! I just really want to have it written somewhere to help me stay accountable to this goal in  my life. So, with that, let me back pedal a bit...
There are times in my life where I have the best intentions of doing better, speaking better, living better, and yet I don't. I drop the ball. I get short with my family (hard to imagine, I know:) , I don't sit down for Quiet Time yet again, I leave the house a mess, I miss opportunities to pour truth into my girls and I walk right on past where God wants me to be. I miss it all. Why? Because I'm so focused on what I want to do in that moment I lose focus on what is most important. Kind of the Tyranny of the Urgent. Those things that scream loudest, get my attention. Yet, all that does for me is to truly leave me empty. I feel sad at the end of a year, my heart not full of the joy I know God desires for my life. So what's a girl to do?

For me, setting goals is key. So this year of 2014, I have chosen to focus in on two words to really fix the rest of my life around. My words for 2014 are PASSION and INTENTIONAL. I desire to be more passionate in the things God calls me to do...as a wife, mother, daughter, leader, friend. I want to be sold out for HIM in all I do. When someone is passionate about what they are doing, they are contagious. You love being around them because they ooze joy and passion for whatever it is they adore. I want to be that way about JESUS to my girls. I want them to see that I am so passionate about JESUS that I ooze HIS love and truth in every aspect of my life. I want them to see that I am so passionate about being a Godly wife, that I ooze the love of Christ on my husband and that the calling to be their mom is such a passionate calling in my life that I ooze the love of Christ all over them as well. I want them to see the  passion I feel inside starting to ooze all over whatever I'm doing.

Being intentional seems natural for some people. Most of the time it can be for me as well. I often choose people over tasks. I know that jobs can wait but people are only here for a time. So I get that, but there are times I use that as a way to get out of  things. Being honest here. So in my goal to be more intentional with all I do, I need to carry that in all areas of my life. Wherever God places me for that moment, I desire to be intentional in that moment..with the people there, with the job at hand, with the calling given. That will require me to stay focused on that moment and not get lost in my daydreams or my "fixing it" mentality which can creep its way in without me realizing it. Being intentional is really about being sold out in that moment, fully engaged and prepared to do whatever it is God has called me to do...laundry, meals, hug my girls for some much needed cuddle time. I don't want to waste one moment of time over my agenda or need to fix something. I want to get lost in memories and moments God has placed on my journey this year.

So, I leave this post up as a reminder to myself to stay passionate about what God  has called me to do in life and to be intentional while there. I'm eager to see how this year pans out but so far...loving it!
Blessings!

Snow Fun!

WE have been experiencing some beautiful snowfalls lately. I thought I'd take a sec and post some pics of the fun we've had in the snow...as well as some shots that are just beautiful! :)

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The girls decided to dive into the snow...swimsuit on, hat on..bare feet! Oh my!

They also made a new friend. :) 

Even our furry guy enjoyed the snow. 

Bean loves to take pictures. She asked Doodle to put on one of 

her dance costumes and pose. And they are beautiful! 

Blessed by the ballerina and the photographer! :) 

Our road...beauty.

Some hate snow, but I love the way it reminds me of how God allowed His Son to die for me and cover my sins white as snow. AS I look out my window and see a fresh blanket of unmarked snow, I can't help but immediately think of this gift. Precious reminder. :) 

Introducing Miller's Remington Steele....

Our girls were so determined to have a puppy this year for Christmas. They started in on their dad right away. It's been over a year and a half since our beloved Rocky passed away. We all were ready to hear the pitter at of sweet puppy feet in our new house. Well, not all of us, but all the females in the house. How's that for not naming names?! Ha! 

 Obviously, the girls won in the end and wore their dad down. Who are we fooling...he's a softie when it comes to them. He eventually started looking at puppies and dogs that were a bit older and trained. We both felt that might work better with our lifestyle right now but the girls were determined to have a puppy. So guess what...

That's right...they got a puppy. He's 4 months old and is the most bashful pup we've ever experienced in our lives! He runs at the drop of a feather, an adult walking through the room, his own shadow! Ha! Not really, but he is quite fearful or anxious about most things. However, we have noticed he is starting to warm up to the girls quite a bit. He loves playing outside with them and cuddling up with them on the floor. 

For the first two days, this pup would not leave his blankie we put on the floor. We seriously had to carry him outside to go to the bathroom and back inside when he was done. I think we were all a bit worried that would last. But thankfully it did not. We then went to opening the door and letting him head out when he was ready. Took him 20+ minutes the first time. Now he goes right out most the time, unless the girls are gone and I have to let him out. Then he takes a bit longer. 

So with his attachment to his blankie we considered naming him Linus. We figured that seemed fitting! Yet we hated to dub him a name from his puppy days that he will outgrow or shall I say we pray he will outgrow! So we started down the list of name possibilities...Spencer, Stanley, Oliver, Moose, Murphy, Snoopy, Samson...none seemed to stick with all of us. Then I mentioned Remington. Not sure if I was doing my hair and saw the curling iron or maybe caught a glimpse of my husband's hunting gear, but Remington popped in my head and then I thought of the old tv show Remington Steel, which I loved! So we voted and soon we were loving on our Miller's Remington Steele....aka Remmy. 

And although he protested for a year, no matter what he says...Matt loves this dog. I think this picture says it all, don't you?! Love it! 

So here he is...sitting pretty in his cage. Remington Steele Miller. What a sweetie! Welcome home, Remmy! We look forward to many more years with you in our family.

Reflections on 2013

As I take time to reflect on our year, I realized that I had not opened up my blog in an entire year to write a new post. That says a lot. I've been so busy with life that I didn't have time to just sit and be. I LOVE journaling what our family is up to. It is a great way for me to capture moments in time and make sure the lessons we learned or challenges given or words of encouragement received are not forgotten in time. I adore it. So with the new outlook for 2014, I desire to get back into blogging and really see how God is using our family and growing each of us as we start this new year of adventure!

In retrospect, I must at least go through my top 10 memories of 2013...so here we go:

10. Seeing Alaska with entire family on my husband's side. I have never seen such beauty!

9. All the "firsts" that this year has brought, Doodle dancing in her recital on pointe, Bean swimming in a new age group and doing great, Doodle learning to drive, Doodle going to her first prom with friends, Bean getting her ears pierced, Bean cutting off her braids, Doodle started a new co-op where she attends two days a week without us, all of us walking or running in our first Drumstick Dash with the Perkins and cousins, Christmas at our new house and a new puppy to boot!

8. Matt turned 50! We had a card shower for him and had a few friends fly in to celebrate! :)

7. With having lots of firsts, we obvously have some lasts as well. Some of my favorites have been:
   ~sitting in the rocker in the girls old bedroom before they painted over the flowers we painted when we moved in....oh the tears of joy remembering bringing each girl into that room and rocking them.
   ~Watching the girls swing on the swingset Matt built them at the old house for the last time. sniff.sniff
    ~Watching Doodle dance at the recital with a dear friend who was stepping out of dance and also her instructor who was retiring the same year. It was bitter sweet to see her cling to what was and venture out to the new. Such sweet memories!
  ~ We quit our old co-op after 6 years. Little did I know what God had planned for me to know how much He protected all by making this choice..no matter how tough it was!

6. Sunsets and sunrises....each of them I soak in and can't get enough. God's creativity never gets old.

5. Bean turned 13!! Yes, that's right, my baby is 13! She is a beautiful, young lady who loves quietly serving
    others. She adores babies and truly has a knack for baking.

4. We moved! We sold our house we lived in for 13 years and moved next door to Matt's parents. This was not a planned move but very sudden decision. The opportunity came and we jumped on it. That was a lot of work to prep our house for sale and then to clean a home that had been sitting for a year. I have never painted so much in my life! We were blessed by all the people who stopped by to help us each day as we prepared the new house for our family. I was humbled by friends I haven't seen in years just stopping by. God touched my heart to let me know that sweet friends never stop being friends no matter how long it has been. I pray  I can repay the love shower we received to each of them one day. It is humbling beyond words and so grateful!

3. Since the move, my favorite thing has to be seeing my father-in-law riding my husband's bike from when he was a kid over to see the girls. It was so stinking cute! He just pedaled over here like it was no big deal to see a grown man riding a bike with a banana seat and flag! Hilarious!

2. Doodle turned sweet 16! We've always known she was sweet, but to see her continue to grow into this amazing woman of God is just humbling beyond words. She has a heart for God that makes others pale in comparison, including my own. We are excited to see her flourish at her new co-op and to see her enjoying her friends so much.

1. My favorite "memory" of 2013 has to be God's healing of me! I had no idea how much I had let myself go until we returned from Alaska in August. We had moved in early July, left for Alaska two weeks later. Returned home and my body unleashed war on me. I suffered from panic attacks the likes I've never experienced.  I couldn't leave my home. For two weeks, I struggled to get a grasp on my emotions, health and irrational fears/thoughts. All the while, right by my side sat my family...Matt, the girls, my precious parents, sister and brother and in laws. Everyone dropped their plans or such to pour into my life and get me well. Being a gal who struggled to see her worth from time to time, this brought me to my knees. I was humbled at how often my mom and dad would drive over to our house, drag me out the door to walk with them and bring me back all the wall cheering me on to good health. They sat with me at countless doctors appointments, helped me walk through a store or leave a birthday party when I felt uneasy. They did not make me feel belittled or as if I was crazy ever. My sister spoke truth into my head...reminding me that God speaks to us loudest when we are still. Since I had been on the go for so long, He needed to get my attention to hear Him. So she encouraged me to look at this time not as me going crazy, although it did feel as such, yet instead to see it as a time of soaking in God's words and being still so He could guide me. I wept considering that while others were telling me to swallow a pill, my sister knew what to say and what my soul needed. I'm not against meds if I need them at all. I just think it was amazing to see that although we may not see each other as often as I like, when it came down to it, they were all there and knew exactly what my heart needed to hear.

It turned out that I was struggling with a major change in my life...perimenopause. Oh the joys! This was causing my hormones to be out of whack and caused the panic attacks but we had a few weeks where I feared I was dealing with a heart condition, diabetes, mental illness. I was a broken woman. And oh, the joy that comes from being completely broken, bare before your creator! God met me in a way I can never put words to adequately. His Word brought me comfort. Singing praises to Him brought me comfort. Praying with my family brought me comfort. And finally, listening to His leading on getting me to the right doctors brought me comfort.

I'm thankful for the journey God took me on as I healed the next few months. I was forced to really look at my life,my heart,my activities and see what mattered most and what was causing me to sink.I was forced to ask for help...so hard for me to do!  I was forced to look at my body as  temple of God. How I chose to care for it or ignore it was up to me, but it would not withstand being abused or ignored without side effects. So I started walking with my parents in August and kept going. Being outside in creation, walking..clears my mind. Allows me to focus on my creator and know He is bigger than any of the stuff I'm facing. I get clarity on that silly trail. The panic attacks started to vanish and instead came peace.

The more I dug into God's Word and into the areas of my life that He was ready to tackle, the stronger I became. I am thankful for realizing I put myself last to the point of not taking care of my body, spirit, mind. I needed to hear that it is ok to take time out of the busyness of life to just sit or walk. I need to sit or walk and be still so I can hear Him. I need that. That is no longer a desire in my life but a need. And to be honest, I think a lot of women need that but are so busy doing things for everyone else, they sink. So I am learning to speak up when I need time and to be diligent about my work when I am busy. Balance is the key.

The perk of all this has been that as I tackled each area God brought up to me during this time, the weight melted off. It was like an awakening of my spirit was burning off the layers of crud I had held onto or stuffed for years. What a glorious way to start a new year! No longer bound to  old ways but free to experience life the way God intended...focused on Him, walking with family, supported by friends. I can't wait to see where He takes us next!

Thanksgiving Top 10

As I prepare for Thanksgiving this year, I felt it appropriate to post my top 10 things I am thankful for...only to find out I had already done so a couple years ago. After reading my list, I realized,  I haven't changed a thing. So here is a repost and an amen to my list from 2010. Enjoy!

 I know I am a silly girl, but I think we should take time out to be thankful daily and not just one day a year. Regardless, at least we all take time to really think about just what blessings we have this time of year. So, today I am thrilled to be able to count my top 10 blessings in my life at this time.

I am thankful for~

10. Chocolate and chai tea....simple and yummy!

9. A home that is filled with laughter and love more than heartache and hurts. Not saying we never hurt each others feelings, but I am so thankful our family has more times of laughter than of tears.

8. Friends who love me and support me in all my endeavors. Not only supporting me, but pouring their lives into my girls hearts! I love that my girls have supports from all around them in all areas they are involved. Those women in my life at co-op, girls' dance classes, church, small group, scrapbooking buddies, lifetime friends...I adore your hearts!

7. Generous in-laws who have shown me that stuff is just stuff

6. Sunrises and sunsets that remind me of what a Mighty God I serve

5. Sister and brother who still giggle with me over our childhood jokes and also that we support each other in our endeavors regardless of how different we all are. No judgement, just love. :)

4. Parents who showed me the way to Christ and loved me enough to teach me that the best gift they could ever give me was to love each other well. I am grateful my parents did not try to be my friend when I was younger but were my parents who loved me enough to discipline me and teach me to do things the "right" way. :)

3. Being blessed to be called Mommy~ a word I never thought I would hear. I am thankful to have two beautiful girls who bless me with laughter, joy and love daily. These girls have a love and knowledge of God that I am in awe of daily.

2. Being married to a man who I adore and adores me. Having a marriage that is never taken for granted and where we see God's hand throughout. I am grateful Matt understands this woman's heart.

1. Having a God who loved me enough that He laid down His life for mine. While I was still a sinner, He died for me. He did if for you too.

Fill 'er Up!

There have been times in life where I have had an abundance of time to do what I desire when I desire. There are likewise times where I can't seem to find time to think! This season in my life is more like the latter. I have found that during those times I start to feel a bit overwhelmed but recently God allowed a friend to speak some wisdom into me and I walked away so blessed. Life is good because I could hear her words and I thought I would share. 

When discussing my situation with my sweet friend, I poured over all that I felt God was leading our family to do right now...school choices, support friends, serve others, office, home, etc. As I laid more and more things on the table between us, she stopped me. Gently she asked me with all these things, what needs to be poured out so I can give all I need to with joy? What? She said to make two columns...one for things, people, events that fill me up spiritually, emotionally etc. Then the other was for things, people, events that drain me. What or who truly sucks the life right out of me? I had never considered that just because I like someone does not mean we make a good team as friends. I guess I always thought if our kids were the same age, did the same things,  enjoyed playing...the adults would just figure it out. But she really challenged me to consider that there are people who pour into your life and make it richer. Those are the people we need during this time of transition with the office, school, home etc. And we need to be those people to others. We can not pour into others lives when we have so many "straws" in our own life sucking it dry, whether that be activities or people. 

I knew to adjust the activity load but I had not considered the people. So it has me thinking....where do you run for comfort? Calm in a storm? My first place is straight to God, but then it is my husband, closest friends and family. Beyond that, I must ask myself are the casual relationships I have pouring into my life or draining me? If they are not adding joy and calm to my crazy life, this season may be about learning to set healthy boundaries with my time, friendships and talents...no matter how hard that may be! That does not come easy to me. I like people! I like having fun and giggling with whoever is around but that does not mean I need to bring their drama etc into my already full plate. I see the wisdom of this and am trying to figure out what does drain me most and where do I turn in those moments. I also find myself trying to figure out if I am that person who is draining others...and if so, how can I adjust my actions, words to not be that for them. I have to admit that I had never thought of going through my relationships in this way. I just love on them all and deal with what it brings I guess. But now I see the fruit of these words. I see I am more calm. I am at peace. I find joy in all I am doing because those I have surrounding me on a daily/weekly basis are people that truly pour into my life and vice versa. What a great gift at a perfect time of craziness. 

Lessons Learned

When you speak about the lessons you have learned well in your life, I bet you don't list the ones learned at the side of a 10 year old. Yet, there was a time in my life where a 10 year old boy taught me many lessons and I have never forgotten those sweet moments or lessons learned.

In honor of my student, Chris Mortell, who passed away this week, this post will be a sweet tribute to him and those lessons learned so long ago. He may have only be 10, but he had an amazing faith and no shame about sharing it.

So here we go, top 10 things learned at the side of Chris Mortell:

10. Little things matter most. Chris loved playing with my fingernails or holding my hand as we walked through the school. What sweet memories those are today.

9. The brain is fascinating and should never be underestimated! Chris may have had developmental delays due to brain cancer treatments, but that boy would memorize entire movies! He would sit almost trance like and recite them word for word. That was my first clue into how he learned best! I figured if a boy can do that, he can learn to read and do math facts! :)

8. Never underestimate the power of a sibling.  Chris has a twin brother, John. Due to the school they attended, they were blessed to be in class together. I was Chris' assistant for two years and was able to watch this dynamic duo in action. John was highly protective of Chris and very encouraging. Chris wanted to do what John did. John was his motivation. So, when Chris didn't want to do something, I just might have mentioned that John had done it and BOOM! it was done. :) I will never forget John coming to me and asking if we could talk to the class about Chris. So we did. I remember having Chris go on a walk to wake him up before lessons. John and I sat the class on the floor, read a story, "Leo the Late Bloomer" and talked about how everyone was made with differences. If we make fun of all kids with brown hair and say they can't do whatever because they have brown hair, how would that feel. It amazed me to watch this brother take over the talk with his peers about his brother. We had no issues with kids making fun of Chris the entire time I worked with him. John is to credit for that, in my opinion.

7. Not all people share the same passions and can still be friends. Chris adored Halloween, the ride at Disney Tower of Terror and the Goosebump books. I, on the other hand, really don't like any of those things per se. I am more of a Winnie the Pooh, Christmas/Easter, classics kind of gal. However, I adored this little guy and we had a sweet connection until the end. I still giggle at the almost horror he felt when he realized I had never read a Goosebumps. His reaction was so cute.

6. Some people may see angels in this lifetime. I recall a time when I was going through some yucky infertility treatments. Nothing was gong our way. My siblings were all expecting their first babies within six months of each other and every day I walked into work sad, until I saw Chris. His smile lit up a room...and my heart during that time. There was a time where Chris was seeing double vision at times. I know some people will say this experience was just that. However, for me at the time, I needed to hear his words. We were sitting there working. Chris was staring off just above my head. I kept trying to get his attention and he shushed me, saying,"Sh! Mrs. Miller...you have angels all around your head. They are beautiful." Now, I don't know what he saw. Probably the double vision, but at that time and when I think back of what was happening in my life....I wanted to believe that little boy saw what he said. The comfort of knowing I was being watched over was beyond words.

5. A family can be the biggest cheerleaders, support, friendships you need. Chris' family is amazing. His parents never stopped fighting for him and what he needed. His sister was the same way and even more so after becoming a doctor herself. She knew what to try and helped keep him with his family a bit longer, according to his mom. I have never met a family who is more upbeat, positive and thankful in my life. I pray that I am able to take that from this time of life and pour it into my girls.

4. A faith in God is not optional....well at least not to Chris. :) When he was 9, I worked with him and two other kids. One of the others shocked Chris one day in saying he didn't go to church and he didn't believe in God. The reaction Chris gave should be what happens when I hear of those who are still not believers....he wept. I had to shut down the lesson, take a walk and talk with him and to the horror of most administrators....I prayed with him. :) We shared a faith in God and I knew that. I knew that would bring peace. But to him, the trees and sunset spoke of God so how could this child not believe?!

3. One smile can truly lighten up a room. As I said before, Chris was in my life during a very dark time. I was never so happy to see that kiddo smile at me. But it didn't just stop there. When he walked in a room, his cherub face would grin as he walked to his seat and he held the attention of the class. They could not get enough of that smiling kiddo. I agree!

2. Never underestimate the ability of someone with special needs. Chris was proof to me that often we try to put limits on people due to what we think they can do. Chris busted out of every limitation placed on him from other people. The fact he lived to be 27 is proof of that. Chris was able to learn his math facts and read. He did learn to write stories. Chris did things people never dreamed he could. I was thrilled to get to witness some of that.

1. The sound of one sweet voice is music to your ears. Chris had the sweetest voice. Truly it was precious. He sometimes had trouble with his l's and r's so I became Mrs. Miwwer. I loved it. Last summer,my girls and I were cleaning out the school closet and I ran across an audio tape of Chris reading to me and answering some questions. We listened and all were just smiles. His voice and the way he interacted with me on the tape was just sweet. I put that tape away until I heard of his passing. I pulled it out and listened once more. This time with tears running down my cheeks...but still rejoicing that this sweet boy was in my life at all. That tape was music to my ears. I passed it on to his mom because that is who needs to have it but I did tape it first.;)  There is just something about his sweet spirit that lifts your mood when you hear his little voice.

While I head off to say good bye to my little buddy, I can't help but giggle at one of the other memories of working with him. When I started teaching, I guess I called everyone sweet pea a lot. Chris was taken back by this and one day asked me why I called him that. I told him I just called all the kids I work with that and his reply...:"Well then, I am going to call you cupcake!" And he did. Every time I would ask him to go do his work or time for a morning walk to wake up,  he jumped up and said, "ok, cupcake!" Been a long time since I heard him call me that but it is one thing I will never forget.

So long sweet pea! It has been a joy knowing you and calling you friend. We will walk together again one day.
Love you,
Cupcake. :)

Words of Truth

Ok, get the laughs out. I actually have something I want to share with you from my heart about this girl...this young lady who did not know her own worth until much later in life. This girl who chose to listen to the cry of the world more than the cry of her God. This girl with big hair....who is me.

Lately, I have been involved in many conversations with many teen girls about their heartache or despair over either a boy being unkind, breaking up with them, not noticing them, etc. I also have had conversations with moms of teen girls whose hearts are breaking as they watch their girls struggle to figure out who they are in God's eyes and to determine if they will find their worth in what the world says is important as a teen or if they will listen to that same call to follow God and wait on Him.

Oh to have a chance to sit them all down and talk to them. If only they would hear the wisdom that has come from living the life and choosing to follow the worlds ways. Why am I so passionate about pouring truth into my own girls and their friends? Because I chose the wrong way at that age. It is the way that leads to heartache after heartache. The way that leaves you feeling empty and unworthy of love. The way that has you doubting your beauty and comparing yourself to others. The way that leads to deep heartache.

If I had a chance to speak truth into my own 15 year old self today, what would I say? Oh boy! Sweet girl, you are created for big things! God knit you together in such a way to glorify Him with what you do. So what do you want to do to bring Him glory? What? You don't sing well...good. That is not for you. You don't dance as well as others. That's okay..that is not what you are to do. You aren't as pretty as others...oh, He disagrees. You, sweet girl, are beautiful. You have His eyes to see the pain in others. He gave you his tender heart to be compassionate and loving when you feel otherwise. You feel you are not as smart as others? That is a gift He gave so you can be a better teacher and understand the struggle your students will have to face daily. I see in you a future of great moments with God and when you decide to turn your focus off this world and fully focus on God, you will be a force to be reckoned with for sure! Turn your focus to Him and not worry about what the world says. You are enough with out a boy in your life. You are beautiful and precious and honored in His sight. You have been created for a purpose and that is not to be used by others and tossed aside. You are here to glorify your God. What a mighty calling. Your life will be one of heartache, some you can't change, others from choices you made. But what I know today is that each experience God takes you on will give you the strength you need for the battles ahead. Cling to Him when it is tough and know His way is the only way.

Those words seem so easy to say, so easy to write. Yet I know when I was 15 I would not have listened, sadly. Some of those choices to not listen, to put up barriers and walls to those who spoke wisdom into my world, thinking I knew it all....still haunt me today. For now I am still known to some as that stubborn kid. What I think is amazing to share is that stubbornness did turn to a faith to be reckoned with....one that stands alone sometimes. One that makes others feel uncomfortable and while that is not my goal, it is the path God has set me on. A path to glorify Him at all costs.. This time, I am choosing to walk it. Then, I did not listen. I did not hear the wisdom of my elders. And I paid dearly.

 So for these girls who have heartache, sadness and feel ignored by boys.....wait. Wait for God to show you His perfect plan. Wait for the right guy to sweep you off your feet because his faith is so strong you can't get beyond it. Wait for the time to be right and the right guy notice you. Don't try to gain the attention of some "ok" guy by cheapening who God made you to be...wearing tight, revealing clothes, being too made up, doing things you don't want to do....wait. While you wait, focus on where God wants you to serve Him, how God created you and what is beautiful about that! You are worth the wait! God is worth the wait.

Stepping off the pedestal now......

The Bell Sheep

I have been reading an amazing book by Elizabeth George called Raising a Daughter After God's Own Heart.  I am getting great ideas and truly remarkable confirmation on some of the ideas we have used in raising our two gems this far. One thing she has really got me thinking on a lot is the thought of being a "bell sheep" to my girls. What? I prefer to never be compared to any farm animals thank you! :) But as I read further, suddenly, I could not stop thanking God for making me the bell sheep for my girls. Let me explain. 


A shepherd will watch for the sheep that stays closest to him naturally. The one that hears his voice and responds immediately. The one that feels his presence and goes to be with him. The one that walks beside him wherever he goes. Then he will place a bell around that sheep so to call the other sheep to him. Do you get that? He places a bell around the sheep to beckon the other sheep to follow the shepherd. Amazing! I am thrilled to say that this momma will be beckoning my girls to their Good Shepherd in all we do. I am so happy to have that visual picture in my brain as I think about what I do each day. Am I leading my girls to the shepard? Are my words? Are my activities? Do I speak to them about their shepard? Do I run to Him and show them that is where their safety remains? I pray as my girls follow me, they are lead directly to Christ.

I have to say....I've never looked so good! LOL!!

Walking Through Life With Friends

The Perkins and Miller Girls

This past few weeks has been a truly humbling time in my life as well as such a time of faith building. I have witnessed things I never want to see again. Talked about things I never wish on my worst enemy and experienced things I will never forget. In the midst of those experiences, stands a stronger faith that God is sovereign and amazingly gracious. Let me explain a bit more.

On June 25th, I received a phone call from a dear friend of mine, Kim, around 10pm. She was emotionless as she explained that her sweet husband had been in a terrible car accident earlier that day and she was on her way to Toledo, Ohio where he was lifelined to a hospital there. My heart sank once I realized she truly was serious. Her lack of emotion at that time made me think she was trying to pull a prank on me until I realized she was in shock. She was in wife mode...got to get there...not thinking about herself at all. I called a friend who would pray with me through the night for Derek and Kim. I sent emails to friends who knew them and asked for prayers. And then I waited....I read scripture...I prayed....I texted her to keep updated on what was happening. It became apparent to me very quickly that God wanted me to be by her side. So, the next morning,  I asked my husband who naturally told me to go. So I called her and offered, she accepted and I left that day.

The next few days are so foggy in my mind. We spent hours in a waiting room with people we do not know. All of which were a part of this horrible "club" called ICU. The hopelessness in that room was so thick you could cut it with a knife. I knew why God sent me. I was to share the hope we have in Christ and remind Kim to hold strong to that when she feels those waves of emotion rise...which they will...and they did. I do not know how to explain the feeling of watching a friend at death's door. I do not know how to explain the feeling of watching the wife of a friend at death's door. Truly, the experience has changed how I look at the relationships in my own home, with my siblings, other friends. I won't go into detail about what happened each day, as I truly can not recall what happened when. I will share some of the amazing God stories later in my blog as we continue to walk with these friends on the journey God has called them to take.

But one thing I know for sure is that nothing here on earth matters when you are sitting in that room waiting to hear if your husband will make it through the night. Nothing matters when you are waiting to figure out if your man will ever be the same...or will your girls ever have their daddy again. Nothing matters when you ache for the touch of his hand, the smell of his sweaty running clothes, the laugh that echoes the house. Nothing matters when you realize that God may be asking you to lay it all down for Him. The ache is real. The ache is deep.  The ache permeates every cell in your body and your body fights it.

What I know matters at that moment is a faith that holds fast. A faith that remains firmly rooted in scripture. A faith that binds hearts together with the Almighty and bids Him to come reveal Himself to you as you deal with this new ache. A faith that God is not just going to show up but He will do as He promised and He will be found faithful. A faith that no matter how ugly the emotions, God will walk through this with you and send you those who will walk with you. God is truly showing me what it means to be a friend who loves unconditionally. A friend who digs in and gets dirty with emotional junk or whatever is needed. A friend who loves at all times...just like we are asked to be.

As I pray over this situation and see God's hand all over it, I stand amazed at the strength of my friend, Kim. In her, I see God's grace and mercy exhibited in human form. She stood beside her husband's bedside, reading scripture into his ear, talking to him consistently...beckoning him back to the family.She was a rock when she was with him.  He held on to her every word. There were times of tears running down as she read scriptures to him or told stories about the girls. We saw a grimace of either laughter or crying at times. He connected to her on a spiritual level and fought to be back with this family.

Kim has been a role model for me as she walks this journey. She is not done. She is not perfect. She is angry at times. She gets upset at why this had to happen. But she is real. She lays it out before God and gives it all to Him.. She seeks comfort in Him alone. I felt we were living the Bible story of Moses and the Amalekites all over again. (Exodus 17) As long as Moses kept his arms up, they would defeat their enemy. So he kept them up but grew weary. When he was weary, his friends held his arms up to defeat that enemy. Truly, Kim held Derek's arms up when she was with him. She helped him defeat this injury and continues to do so. However, when she is away from  him, it is our turn to hold her arms up to defeat the enemy and keep her fit for the next battle. I am honored to hold her arms up.  


 I pray for her to have the desires of her heart....her sweet husband back home in full capacity...to hold her, laugh with her, talk to her about life and be the daddy to those girls he adores. I want her to have her best friend at home and I pray God will give her the desires of her heart quicker than we ever dreamed. However, if that is not His Will, we will continue this walk beside our friends no matter where God leads us all.

This song was shared with me by a friend of Kim's. 

Kind of perfect for what we are walking through.