The Firsts and the Lasts

As I laid next to my daughter, stroking her hair the way I have since she was tiny, I couldn't help but ponder when was the last time I was blessed to be curled up with my girl, comforting or encouraging her the way Momma's do? That train of thought lead to a huge list of lasts that I just don't think about on a daily basis. However , as I'm facing my daughter's last year at school and home, I have to say the lasts came flooding in as I cuddled up and calmed her fears. 

Would I be able to recall the lasts as we enter this new phase of life?

 When was the last time I washed her hair? When was the last time I read her a bedtime story or a chapter book just for the fun of getting lost in a story? When was the last time I was able to pick her up and carry her to bed to tuck her in so tenderly? When was the last time I tucked her in and sang her the good night prayer song? When was the last time we walked through the store and her little hand grabbed mine? When was the last time we laid in the grass and looked at the clouds? When was the last time we blew bubbles and tried to pop them? When was the last time we laughed so hard we cried? When was the last time she ran to me to help the sadness, hurt or boo boo go away? Some of the answers were not so long ago, but others....

....can lead to a line of depressing answers if allowed to go down that road. However, I choose a different route as I look back at the years I've been home with these precious gifts I call my daughters. I choose to thank God for each moment we have had, the good days and the bumpy days, because in them all, we have found a joy and a peace in all circumstances that outweighs the sadness of these lasts.  For where there are lasts being experienced, that means there are firsts as well. 

When I was the first person they texted on their new phones or that I am always the  person they call when sick. We have seen first time driving, driving alone and driving with sister. The first time on a date. First prom with a boy. First trip without parents. First college class. First big Bible of their own. First cousins trips. First checking account. First checks written. First steps into public school. First boyfriend. First steps toward adulthood. 

No matter how many lasts we experience as moms, we have to constantly look forward at the firsts about to occur and cherish those. Sure, some of the lasts sting, but the day I washed my daughter's hair or tied her shoe for the last time are a fog because on that day, I didn't know it was the last time. So young moms, enjoy the little mundane tasks you get to partake in and know one day there will be a last bath or a last load of baby laundry. But keep in focus the next steps are beautiful. For when we close a door on a chapter or season of life, God so brings new life springing forward in the new season He has prepared. So don't mourn the passing of lasts yet cherish them and focus more on the joys yet to come. Motherhood has seasons and each one is beautiful. I'm thankful that sometimes, for a brief moment, I still get a glimpse of that sweet little girl who needs her momma to curl up next to her and remind her what is true. But I know those times are numbered as well, so I'll just soak them in and love on her until she is able to remind herself of these truths and we find a new first together. 

 

A Season For Everything

Seasons are often thought of as periods of time in a year...Winter, Spring, Summer and Fall. But lately, I've been facing a new type of season in my life. Just as the seasons of the year have their own beauty, so do these seasons of my life. My early married life with Matt was a precious season. We had to learn how to read each other, bless each other and just getting to enjoy all the marriage brought with it. Then we started the season of being parents. Motherhood is a gift. I know that deeply as I longed for that gift during my waiting season. Each season has its trials with the beauty, just as spring brings beautiful flowers, it also brings terrible storms. But the beauty always outweighs the storm. 

Right now, I am in a transition phase in my life. I've been a homeschool mom for 11 years. I've been a stay home mom for 17 of our 23 married years. As we are planning out our girls next year of schooling, changes are occurring that will drastically alter this season of my life. I have so many thoughts daily about these changes. On one hand, I am so excited for my girls and I am eager to see how God blesses them and our family with these changes. On the other hand, I have great fear of the unknown. How will they handle the changes? What if we made the wrong choice? How will they do? 

The changes being made will mean I am no longer the lead teacher for our girls daily. It means, I am outsourcing my job or I've worked myself out of a job. I don't know what I feel about this yet. Again, I have daily differing opinions of what I feel. One day, I am so happy to see this part of my life lay down and ready to pick up the next part with gusto. The next day, I am so sad it's ending. I have loved being home with my girls, schooling them. I find great joy in that job most the time. Sure, there are days I would beg my husband to switch me jobs, but ultimately I deeply love my 'job" of mom and teacher to these precious jewels. How do you go from being with them daily to seeing them only in the evenings/weekends? How do you fill your days? Is it time for me to get a job again? What in the world would I do? Who in the world would hire a teacher who hasn't taught in the classroom for 17 years?! All of these thoughts run through my mind.  

Then I hear that still calm voice, my sweet Jesus, reminding me to breathe. His peace sweeps over me like a fall breeze rustling the trees. I am instantly reminded that God is in control, I am not to fear and I can rest in His perfect timing. Not only did He create these girls for His glory, He loves them more than I do and He will go before them and prepare a way for them. Where I am not, He is. And for me to know that He will also prepare a way for me. He does not make mistakes. This season of my life is by no mistake. God has orchestrated circumstances to fall into place for this season to feel peaceful and blessed. So then, why do I struggle to let go. I'm not always happy to see the seasons change in the year nor in my life, but with accepting it, I learn to trust God's perfect timing and planning for my life. 

Who Needs Shades of Grey When We Have Full Color

With the recent ads for the movie, 50 shades of grey, I suddenly realized there really are so many things I want my girls to know about marriage, the marriage bed and what God created to be beautifully glorious. I don't want them to take hollywood's view of something so precious. So this is one of those posts that will one day bless my girls, but right now, they will cringe because I may have to resort to using the word they don't want to think about their parents enjoying...you know the one.

So here are a few things I want my girls to know:

1. Your body is a temple to be cherished and treated with respect, care and not to be treated as a token of lust or a one night stand. You are worth more than that. You are a jewel worth waiting for and anyone who tries to push his way on you does not deserve such a precious gift. A gentleman waits and respects you.

2. God created sex to be enjoyed, playful, exciting within boundaries of marriage. You are each other's playground so to speak. Enjoy each other and don't hesitate to talk about what works and what doesn't. Most of all, have fun! Don't make this area too serious or freak out over "doing it right". Just play and learn and laugh together.

3.  Hollywood's view of marriage, sex and dating is fiercely tainted and watching movies that show this view makes you have a tainted view as well. Guard your heart from a let down in the real world by not watching things that are scandalous, portraying marriage as temporary, portraying sex as nothing more than a physical need met, portraying men or women as objects to lust after. Remember the song we sang when you were little...Be careful little eyes what you see. Oh be careful little eyes what you see....Well that song is still true today. It's not that God is judging you for watching things that are not honoring to him or to you. It is that God knows what it does to a marriage when a man chooses to view movies, computer screens, books or magazines that show women in lustful ways or when a woman watches movies, etc of men in provocative situations. If you watch those things, over time, you put those unrealistic expectations on your spouse. For women, it tends to be romance movies/books. But someone is telling that guy what to say! No one tells your husband what to say or do and he can never match up to the sweet ending that always occurs. It is only setting yourself up for disappointment. And if he's watching stuff that show women doing things that no normal woman can or will do, then he too is setting himself up for unrealistic expectations. So guard your hearts, eyes and minds sweet girls. Your marriage deserves that so much!

4. It takes time to get things going. When you are first married, it is terribly difficult to shift your brain from one day not doing what you are free to do on your wedding night. It takes time to shift fully into being able to enjoy the beautiful gift God created for a husband and a wife. Don't expect things to go perfectly on your wedding night...or even that first year. This is one area that as much as you may gag to hear, it gets better with time. You learn more about your spouse and things that just work for the two of you and it becomes a beautiful celebration of your love. This is not rocket science, but it is something that movies/tv make you think is easy and never awkward and always fulfilling. Trust me when I say that there are giggles, awkward moments and nerves and laughter galore! Mostly, there is love and as your love for each other changes from that newly married love to that love of years of walking side by side, growing closer to God and to each other, oh sweet girls, you are in for a treat! That's all I am going to say about that. (stop puking! LOL!)

There will be additions to this list as time goes on, I am sure. But for now, I'll stop there so you can take your breath. I want you to live a life in full color as God designed you to live. No shades of grey sweet girls. Live vibrantly and enjoy all God created from every single sunrise/sunset to the sweet music you and your spouse will one day make together. Don't settle for anything less! Ok, now you can gag.

The Little Girl That Could...My Own Little Engine Story

I've struggled to know what to say or not to say in case I say too much and offend. I never want my girls to feel this blog is something they dread because I share about our family. But then, God keeps telling me to share this story so someone who needs help can hear it, have hope and see what we've seen. One of our girls has struggled to learn from books. Reading was hard. Comprehension is tough. Math was easy for most of her school until she hit grade 6. She has always loved hands on activities. She learns best by doing and she learns best by organizing her thoughts with color. She has to see it to know it and to see it, it has to be colorful. Once she gets it, it's there. But getting her to that point has been nothing short of a miracle.

As a homeschool mom, the journey of teaching this child had brought me to my knees many a night. I felt like a failure often. Why can't I help her learn? What am I missing? As a trained teacher, I felt this was the challenge...to learn how she learns best and teach that way. Everything that worked with the "typical" student, did not work with her. So I kept digging. I kept praying. I kept trying new things. I kept hearing God tell me to keep doing what we were doing on those days I worried I was ruining her.

God cares for His kids. He places them where they need to be for what He needs them to learn. I know this is true, because we lived it. My girl could not read and I was struggling to find a way to teach her. God lead me to a co-op where there was a mom who would tutor kids with reading struggles using Orton-Gillingham approach, which is what they use for dyslexic kids. Her son was dyslexic and she tutored through the local dyslexic group. So she was a wealth of information, still is. I was able to see where my girl was growing quickly. After three years of her tutoring my sweet gal, she released her from tutoring. My girl could read. She was able to read at grade level. And the world was good....until middle school hit.

Once in middle school, we noticed a drastic change in her ability to comprehend what she was reading. Grades started to suffer because she couldn't remember what she was reading. So I sought help. Through some testing and such, we learned a lot about our girl, most of which we already knew but it was good to see that we do know her and we weren't messing her up. Regardless, daily work was painful for her. And to see a child struggle is one thing. To hear them suffer and feel stupid, well that breaks the teacher momma's heart. So I started researching options for a little assistance as we figured out that the reason school got so hard at the middle school level was because they now are required to use higher level thinking skills which could not be highlighted in the book with pretty colors, or color coded note cards. This meant, she had to recall the story, make inferences and write what she concurred. For a kid with dyslexic tendencies...that is so difficult.

In my research and my hunt to find answers, I found that in my girls mind, she does not make a movie picture of the books as she reads, like her sister would. For example, when we read a story, we "see" that story running through our minds like a movie. For her, there is no movie. So no movie equals not able to pull information for recall which means not able to make those higher level thinking questions work. So I came across a program that I wanted for her to be taught which would teach this skill. We found a couple companies that would work. One wanted her to attend for 6 weeks this summer for 4-5 hours each day at a price tag of 12,000!!! Holy cow! Then the one we used chose to have us come 6 hours a week, two days a week through summer. Then we went for four hours two days a week this fall. Right now she is taking  a break until end of January and then we go back for one hour sessions twice weekly. During these sessions, they are training her how to take what she reads, create that movie in her mind to allow her to pull from that to connect the higher level thinking skills. This option was much cheaper, but still very pricey. But wait til you hear the payoff....

My sweet girl has NEVER picked up a book to read for enjoyment. EVER! I just assumed, at the time, it was a personality thing. She also NEVER unpacked her day driving around or arriving home as her sister had. Again, I assumed it was a personality thing. But I've found that is not true!! It's a brain wiring thing! As the tutors worked with my girl, she started getting in the van and unloading her day with me, as her sister has always done. She talked the entire 45 minute ride home often. Other times, she worked so hard she sat in silence. We called that brain tired! I get that! But to see those moments connect for her and make sense in a way she could retell was nothing short of amazing. There were times I felt overwhelmed at listening to all she shared because it was music to my ears, answer to prayers and I didn't want it to end.

About a month ago, a sweet friend watched her while my  husband and I went to Chicago. She shared a movie with her which sparked an interest in reading the book. I had not read the books, seen the movie nor did I want to honestly.  So I talked it over with my man and we decided at her age, if she is asking for a book, we buy it and talk through any issues that pop up. So we did. My girl was found sitting on her bed of all things....READING!!! My child was reading a book for pleasure!!! She finished that first book in two weeks. Begged to buy the second book and finished it in three days! We are now on the third book and believe she will finish it this weekend. I can't tell you what it does to this momma to see what you've always known to be true...you child is more than capable. She is achieving things at a pace I'm amazed.

Some would have written her off. They would have said I needed to be realistic at what she can do. They would have said she just "can't " do what I want her to do. They would have said put her in school because they have "trained" professionals to do what you can't. They would have said she just can't learn.I know that because it has been said to me by professionals, family and friends.  But God had placed on my heart early on to teach these girls the way they learn...the way He created them. So as I stepped out of the box, I learned that ALL God's children can learn. We just have to find the way He wired them to do so and then pour everything we have into that way until the light comes on and they soar on their own. I'm not saying school is easy. I'm not saying she doesn't get frustrated. But you know what, my girl is reading for pleasure, tackling school work independently and downloading her day to me more and more and I could not be more grateful! Bottom line to that mom who is ready to quit...pray, keep going until you find the answer, ask lots of questions and never give up on your child. The pay off is priceless!

Momma's Journey

This is becoming my journal to good health physically, emotionally and spiritually. I have been on a wild journey the past year and a half and I have to say that I have learned so much about myself, my family, my friends,  faith and my sweet Jesus. I will start at what I consider the beginning: Alaska cruise 2013. Here we are at the Musher Camp overlook. It was a great day, but I was so tired it was very difficult to enjoy a lot of what we did. 

We had moved from our home of 13 years the month prior to leaving, two weeks to be exact. I was finishing schooling the girls, driving them to activities and managing the home as usual as well as painting the rooms and emptying boxes so we could be moved in prior to this cruise we had planned. But I was also finding myself to be more and more exhausted over simple tasks, forgetful and as always, wacky female issues. This woman in this picture was tired...physically, emotionally, and spiritually. When I look at this picture, I feel sad. That is such a fake smile. I know what this woman is feeling, thinking, hiding behind those glasses so as not to alarm anyone how exhausted she truly is. Why? because I have to keep up. It's my job...or so I put that pressure on myself. I had to be actively involved in whatever the girls were to a point that I was in  leadership roles on top of homeschooling, managing a home, moving and helping my man at his office. Life had gotten out hand for this lady...and there were days she felt so overwhelmed, but refused to admit how much she needed rest, peace, help. 

At this time, I did not like what I looked like at all. I felt gross and had determined I would always be large due to my female issues. But deep down, I prayed God would heal my body. Not to give birth, as once was the case. But to be able to enjoy my family and not grow weary in small tasks.

My family was my everything. I poured into them all I had and I felt that was what a good mom did. I felt a "good" Christian woman needed to serve on multiple boards to be sure she was serving God in the most effective way. Making sure she was in the mix and not just "sitting" on the sidelines letting others make decisions. I actually felt it had to be me. But what the picture above does not show is that this lady was spent and had very little left over to give to her family. I was on empty. 

Upon arriving home from Alaska, we all learned just how much that was true. I experienced my first severe panic attack during church that Sunday, sitting in a pew with fellow believers. I sat there feeling like if I didn't get out I was going to die. I got up, went to the bathroom where I was sure I was having a heart attack. I couldn't calm down. I didn't take my phone so I could not call my man of all times! So I waited for someone to walk in that knew me. I sat and sat as lady after lady walked in, looked at me, said nothing, walked back out after using the restroom. I was stunned at how little interaction there was in the restroom at a church we had attended for 7 years. But then, that is the negative side of going to a large church. I waited for 20 minutes before my help arrived in the form of a dance mom of Rachel's student. She got my family, we left, called my parents and we all sat in my living room checking my blood pressure and trying to get my mind to calm down. But I couldn't stop crying. I couldn't stand being alone. I couldn't stand having people too close though. It was odd. I was super sensitive to quiet as well as too loud. It appeared my nervous system was on overload and I had to sit back and wait it out. 

After a doctors visit, which my parents took me to, I started hormone replacement for perimenopause and some low dose blood pressure medicine to take the edge off the anxiety as I was told my blood pressure was anxiety related not due to hypertension. I was ruled out that I had diabetes, heart disease, all things I was sure I was dying from in the midst of these irrational moments. I can't explain what goes on in your mind when irrational thoughts take place. But I do know I have a new appreciation for people who struggle with mental illness. Anxiety, depression, etc, are no laughing matter. You can't stop your mind from thinking no matter what you do. And those thoughts are relentless. I spent two weeks unable to leave my home without someone else driving me. My parents came to pick me up daily and make me walk with them to  burn off adrenaline and get fresh air. Those talks and walks were the best medicine ever! My husband picked up helping with the girls activities and around the house with no complaints. The girls did whatever they needed to in order to keep the house running. The torch was passed to them at this time for a brief season and I have to say it was good to see they could do it. But I spent many days in tears over nothing. It was a dark place I never want to return. The only hope I had was my faith in Christ. What calmed me was when Matt would read scripture with me, pray with me or if I was listening to praise music. And for those who don't know me well, watching Pooh with my girls and coloring also helped my brain to relax and allow me to sleep. But if I was up, I was pacing, fearful and down right scary. My parents would drive over to take me out for a walk and then take me back to their house while Matt worked. This lasted longer than I hoped but soon I felt the meds were kicking in and I could tackle some things on my own. 

We opted for me to not take an antidepressant at that time and see if hormones helped as we felt everything was brought on by the hormone imbalance. I had never experienced anything like this prior to perimenopause. So instead, I found a new way of eating that works for me and allowed me to lose 40 pounds fairly quickly. I felt better than I had in years and I actually was in pictures again. Something I usually tried to hide from. 

This journey has weighed heavily on my body, mind and spirit. However, I feel it has weighed equally heavily on my sweet man and girls. It is tough to not know what to expect when you wake up each morning and look at your wife. It has to be scary to see your mom crying nonstop over nothing and curl up on the bed in a fetal position asking you to sit with her until she falls asleep or Daddy gets home. That is tough stuff. But I'm grateful for a family that loves me enough to walk this path with me and help me realize just how blessed and loved I truly am. That is something I think as women we sometimes loose sight of in the midst of our daily tasks. We start to feel invisible. 

This family has grown stronger as a result of my struggles. We have had to look at the things in our life and decide what matters most and what can we let go...activity wise, relationships, etc. That is hard to do. But if there are things in life that are so draining and you don't have it to give, you have to do what is best for your immediate family. So I've lost some friendships in the process. I've had to let go of what I want and learn to follow only what God brings to me. I have laid down my need to be in charge of what the girls are doing all the time and trust God to guide them as we have trained them to go to Him for guidance. I've stepped back and have seen them soar. I think God needed to break me to allow me to see that my family doesn't "need" me or the little things I do. My family "wants" me to be there and to be a part of their world when I am able. But they also want to be able to do things and share later. That is huge for me! I know it is splitting hair in a sense, but truly a need mentality puts me in the driver's seat. It means they can't function without me which brings a ton of weight (hence my weight gain) along with pressure galore! But to be wanted there is  so precious. There are not adequate words to express how blessed I was at this revelation by God during this time. I don't need to do all that other moms do to be the good mom, wife, Christian woman. I just need to act on what God lays before me and allow my heart to lead me in the choices I make daily instead of a check list of obligations. 

And you know what? I'm having more fun with my girls than I have in a long time because I'm happier. I'm peaceful because I'm setting healthy boundaries around what God has placed on my heart each day/week. When I step out of His plan, I relapse with panic, fears, health issue. 

But when I sit at the throne of Grace daily and ask for His plans to be revealed and I obey that plan that day...well, there is perfect peace and I have enough energy to get through the activities and enjoy my family in the evening to boot. Those days I don't listen are harsh still. I am learning as I go. This is definitely a journey...not a race. I see where God is leading and I am listening. I'm beginning to feel that menopause is a time of slowing down to take a long look at what you focus on and readjust as needed. And if you don't do it, you will be given another chance to learn the same lessons until you do slow down, seek God, obey His plan in your life, tell others no to things that you no longer can do and let others help you. 

So if you don't see me at meetings, church events, girls activities, you can be assured I spent some time doing what I needed to that day and am preparing to give my all to God first, family second. And the fruit of that is beautiful, no matter how bumpy the road getting there has been. 

Time Flies is the Truth

      Yesterday, I sat in my living room playing with these two and today we are all preparing for their launch to college. It does not seem possible. I have a mixed bag of emotions, as the aunt. I am so excited to see where God has brought them this far and I just can't wait to see where He takes them next. On the other hand, their heading off to school will start a chain reaction, much like their coming into our families did 18 years ago. Before long, we will all have empty nests and I think about that from time to time. If I were to talk to all 10 kiddos in our families, what would I want them to know before walking out into the world to spread their wings? What did I need to hear before doing the same? What things did I learn the hard way and want to share the wisdom from that lesson to spare them the same pain?

      And then it hits me....they have to fly off and fail in their own ways. It might be just silly stuff which we will giggle about for years to come or it might be stuff that makes our heart ache when we recall it, regardless, those lessons coming down the road are theirs to experience. The only thing I can offer as a loving aunt is my loving ear and shoulder when needed. (and maybe a little money from time to time:))

     So, sweet kiddos, I could not love you more. I could not be more proud of who you have become or excited to see such potential in where God is going to use each of you. My only real advice is to cling to Him and His Word and anything that goes against His Word is not worth it in the end. All the world offers is shiny and exciting and promises such empty pleasures....but seek Him before being fooled. You are His and when in doubt, just take a breath and listen to Him. He will never leave you or forsake you. And if you ever make a silly choice, just know I enjoy a good laugh as much as the next and my door is always open to listen to your heart aches and joys. Go shine for Him! You are ready for this and you are going to rock this world for Him, I just know it. And every once in a while...maybe just once in a while you might send your old Neeny a note. Love you guys! 

Stretched Thin

Wow! There are seasons in my life where I feel stretched out about as far as I can be stretched...this would be one of those times. I keep pouring over our schedule trying to find what can give and where can we reclaim some of the much desired family time...and we homeschool! How odd is that statement?! Ha! Anyway, as I was pondering this situation I had a few insights  and I was wondering if anyone else feels the same..or am I really that old?!

I just get saddened by the lack of family time..sitting around the dining room table nightly, eating together, talking, sharing our joys, sorrows etc. I am saddened by the lack of cuddle time in mornings to start the day with a sweet fragrance of giggles and not rush, rush, rush. I am saddened at the time I spend in a van driving my girls all over town and really not going anywhere. I am in the van more than I am in my home! And I am dropping my girls off somewhere more than I am able to sit with them and soak up some much needed momma/daughter time. So that got me to thinking, when did this switch happen? I don't recall ever being on the go as much as I am now when I was a kid. Was I oblivious or was it different? That is where I have to say my generation fails. We have lots of good things I see as parents...I believe we talk with our kids more than previous generations..each one gaining that gift from the other. However, we have less time to do so, so maybe we aren't talking more but just cramming it in to what time we have.

When I was a kid, I recall coming home, doing homework and playing outside or in our basement for hours! I mean hours, people. Today's kid comes home from school, does homework and goes to activities for hours! Where is the time for play? Imagination? Family bonding and memories? I point no fingers at anyone without pointing them at myself. I do the same thing. But I wonder...is it necessary to be at practices/classes daily? Really? Are we all trying to make our kids be the best in whatever they are doing instead of focusing on character development and family? Don't get me wrong, I think you get lots of benefits from the activities your kids are in...learning to stick to it to see a goal achieved, dedication etc. But where do they learn to honor their parents, love one another, serve together, loyalty to family etc if they spend more time with a team/group than each other?  I worry about this issue as I am trying to figure out what needs to give. But I wonder, do others see it as progress? Am I the only one who feels there are times we are sailing this generation of kids down the river by selling them the need to go, go, go at all times and never enjoy times of being still? In the stillness is where I learn the most about God. In the stillness is where I find peace. In the stillness, I breathe in His truths. So if I'm never still, never teaching them to be still, how will they hear Him? Is busyness the enemies greatest weapon against families?

Some of my sweetest moments growing up are of me sitting on my moms lap listening to her read to me over and over or camping and listening to my dad talk like Donald Duck for hours. Today...no time to go camping because someone has a game/performance. No time to sit and read because the school work is too demanding and leaves no time. I am humbled by the dedication and focus of my girls leaders/coaches. Truly I am. I just wonder if that role in their life shouldn't still be ours and we have paid someone else to take that from us. For me...leaves me thinking there has to be a better choice. A combination of it all. Until I find that, I pray I can steal away sweet moments in the craziness of our schedule. I just know one thing is true...I only have a season of my life to raise the kids God has blessed me with and I would hate to think I spent it driving around instead of soaking up sweet moments that will carry me through all the other seasons of my life. I don't get to do this again...one chance. What do I want my girls to walk away from this season in their life knowing? What do I need to change to make that happen? Eager to hear your thoughts.